My Tribute to the Oscars. The Good, The Bad and The Smug.

While part of me wanted the Oscars to be like the Globes, short and sweet, the majority of me knew that Hollywood just cannot survive an entire award season without spending 3.5 hours looking at stripper's shoes and telling me what it takes to get my ass kissed by Hollywood Elite. I watched the entire telecast, minus the hour of pretentious red carpet BS, mainly because I like to see who gets screwed, who wins, and how many anti-Republican jokes Jon Stewart can make before the first award is announced. Here is my analysis.

Diablo Cody wins Original Screenplay. Wow, did not see that one coming. You know, she was a stripper. You know, I really don't care if she was the Pope. My stripper name would be Vito Pasadena. Now that I have the name, I can start to pen my first screenplay...a theatre manager and the hilarious antics of my patrons. We'll call it Butter is Self-Serve at the End of the Counter, Fatty. Oscar, here I come.

Ellen Page loses Best Actress. Gee, why? A smartass teenager playing a smartass teenager dealing with issues that are commonplace with teenagers today. I can't imagine the time it took to prepare for that role. Her next role will most likely be a college student who has to decide between the sorority or the strip club job. Ahhh, a timeless story.

Coen Brothers win, like, everything. I have never seen 2 people who seem to care less about winning an award then these boys. At least try and act like you're happy and give a damn.

La Vie En Rose wins Best Make-Up - Wow, congratulations. You were able to make a brunette actress look like a brunette actress from the early 20th century. I mean, that's a real challenge to add dark lipstick to someone and then have to age them too. I can easily see how that would win over Eddie Murphy undergoing latex construction every morning and then having to apply make-up to make him look like an obese black woman and an old Chinese man.

George Clooney loses Best Actor. Awwwwwww. Poor guy. They would have given him the award but he does not have the ability to turn his nose down and be slightly less smug. Quite frankly, I believe his nomination was a joke anyway but as he believes he and his Hollywood buddies are a little more "ahead of the curve" than we simple American folk, it makes sense.

Bourne Ultimatum wins 3 awards that are all the same. Best Editing, Best Sound, and Best Sound Editing. You can ponder that one. Seems like we could cut 10 minutes out of the show if we just combine them. But what would we do with the Sound Editor, you ask? Well, how about have him help the editor and the sound guy. There, I just saved you a million dollars in production costs.

Javier Bardem wins Best Supporting Actor- I agree here. Outside of the chili bowl haircut, it was a good role. Then he had to go and speak in Spanish and make the rest of America want to push for stricter border enforcement and no amnesty for illegal immigrants. Well done.

Jon Stewart hosts- I don't like Jon Stewart. I never have. Not because of his politics, but simply because I don't find him to be a good actor or very funny. He was funny in Death to Smoochy, but other than that, I think he's annoying. I knew, as we all did, there would be anti-Republican jokes and a few jokes about Osama and Billary. I didn't find any of them funny, not even remotely. Seeing Jon Stewart get kicked in the nuts would be funny. Perhaps having the writers back is not such a good thing, as that mindless political drivel they fed him was complete crap.

Here are my suggestions for next year:
1. Have Michael Moore and Rob Reiner host the show. We could put a pig trough in the center of the stage and watch them get winded as they both try to get the last morsel of slop. Or we could do a marketing plan with Nathan's Hot Dogs and keep a tally in the bottom corner on who has eaten more. Then, when one of them keels over from a massive coronary, we can include a Cheney joke. I'd be laughing, you'd be laughing, and Hollywood, much like Mr. Burns upon hatching a devious plan to take over Springfield, would rub its hands together and say "Eeexxxcellent."
2. Make the presenters be people who actually want to be there. Harrison Ford and Owen Wilson looked horrible. I have seen people less stiff at a morgue.
3. When a speech goes too long, have the orchestra start playing the Benny Hill theme song or even Sanford and Son's theme. Then we could have clowns or, for a side of spice, drunk rodeo clowns come out in a VW Bug made up to look like a mouse (think Uncle Buck) and put the winner in a barrel and start rolling them offstage.
4. If someone is not in their seat when the show is on the air, then photographers we will call the Oscarazzi will go to the restroom or bar and find them, putting their pictures up on the screen as they snort coke or whatever drug is their choice. We will then have Keith Richards tell us how they are doing it wrong and ways you can "increase your buzz."
5. Lastly, since so many Hollywoodies are fighting for the people of Darfur, the name of one celebrity in the audience will be drawn from a hat. As they love to act like they are activists who really care about the African nation, we will send them over there to live for 1 year as a resident of Darfur. We will do this each year, until they stop acting like they care about anyone but themslves.

Until next year...