Advertisements I Can Do Without

A little list of TV ads which really could have been rolled up and crammed somewhere unpleasant. Use your imagination.

1. Al Sharpton and Pat Robertson- Save the planet. Oh Jesus. So, let me get this right. Al Sharpton, a man who flies and travels on buses with an entourage of hundreds of people to spots all over the country to "make America right" is telling me to save the planet. A man who calls for the ousting of Don Imus but believes Randi Rhodes was justified is telling me what I should do. My God. Speaking of God, Robertson's no better...a man who has made millions from mobile home tenants, has a personal jet fueled by the Lord's money, travels around the nation by air regularly, and lives in a mansion that is as green as an SUV. How about a new ad with Hitler and Stalin sitting on a couch on a beach telling me to respect human rights in Darfur? Actually, I'd probably watch that ad.

2. Sarah McLachlan and the ASPCA- Save the animals. Dammit, every time this ad is on I sob like a little girl. Puppies with eyes missing, cats with broken legs, damn you ASPCA. And that damn song! I hear that and automatically think about buying a gun and pistol-whipping myself for not getting up off the couch and buying a puppy or kitten. They could have changed the lyrics of the song to say "dead puppies and kittens" over and over again and I would still sob like a little girl when they show the pictures of injured unloved animals. Damn you, playing on my emotions. "Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan, please get off your ass and save this innocent puppy. Look at it, isn't she sweet, you heathen lazy bastard? Buy this puppy, America!!! Now look at this innocent kitten, whose tail was cut off by one of you. Redeem this kitten's life...get out here and buy this kitten, or we'll kill it." Nothing says "Buy Me" like a little guilt.

3. Head On, Active On, Prefer On- Apply directly to your head and pull trigger. When you make a commercial making fun of your own commercial because it is god-awful annoying, you have gone to far. Head On is Icy-Hot for your head. "Head On, apply directly to the forehead! Head On, apply directly to the forehead! Head On, you're getting a headache! Head On, you must buy this! Head On, buy a puppy or kitten! Head On, we won't stop til you buy this! Head On, your brain will explode! Head On, vote Obama! Head On, plant a tree! Head On, apply directly to the forehead!" It's like Fran Drescher laughing...prolonged exposure to her could cause extreme discomfort, diarrhea, and side effects such as irritable bowels. Do not listen to Fran Drescher if you are preganant or planning to become pregnant.

4. Peter Francis Geraci- Bankruptcy Info Tapes. Seriously, I could find a dead skunk on the side of the road and get more life out of it than ol' Peter. If you're going to try and sell something, for Christ's sake, make it interesting. Act like you have a personality, or a much better idea, find an actor. You are the most monotonous boring man I have ever seen, maybe with the exception of Dan Rather. Your commercial has the appeal of a colonoscopy, and I may actually work harder to avoid bankruptcy if that is what I am going to have to listen to. Maybe that's the idea, but I doubt it.

5. Any commercial for a fast-food chain that tries to advertise healthy foods. Listen guys, when I go to McDonald's or Burger King, I have already accepted that fact that I am going to be enjoying dog meat or at best the part of the cow that even the cow scoffs at. I also know that my fries will slowly clog my arteries and make me obese. In saying that, telling me that you have garden fresh salads is annoying because they're not. I know it and you know it. Also, telling me that salad dressing has only 5 calories means nothing to me. I want you to advertise a sandwich for all the people that go to McDonald's on a regular basis. "First, we start with a bun baked in enough butter to cover Rosie O'Donnell. A layer of ketchup, the kind coated in sugar and salt like you get in the packets. You want meat? Try 1 pound of grade D meat straight out of a cow's ass. You want cheese? Here's your 5 slices of cheddar, jack, American, Swiss, and our new cankle-style cheese. Toppings? Only if they're fatty! Bacon- done. Ham- sure. Human foot- why not?" There's your new campaign: "McDonald's- I'm Lovin' It...To Death." I'd buy it.

6. Viagra- Viva E.D.! Watching grown men sit around strumming guitars and singing Elvis songs is not pleasant for anyone. What they don't tell you is that they all have guitars to cover their erections. If you have to take a pill to get aroused, then my friend, it's pretty much over. I'd cash in my chips at that point. Natural male enhancement...pretty sure that's an oxymoron. Natural. Enhancement. Don't match. And hey, Elvis was 730 pounds and he was still getting tail by the busload. I think he'd be offended that you were using his song to sell your peenee pills.

7. Ads for any drug used to treat herpes, Hepatitis or any STD. These ads are infuriating. Apparently, living with an STD means you can ride a bike, hike or lay in a hammock on a beach. These ads say nothing of the fact that you will more than likely spread your little infection with anyone you sleep with for the rest of your life. It doesn't mention that many of these diseases cannot be cured. So, live with your inflammation and hey, ride a bike in the woods. No one will make fun of you and run away from you there. I noticed that the ads never have the infectee in a swimming pool with children or giving blood at your local blood bank. Hmmm, I wonder why?

There are more......many more. I'm going to go back to leaving the room during commercial breaks.