Immigration: The Story of Burrito

Recently my better half was working when a small Hispanic gentleman came in during a rainstorm and asked where he could find a cheap hotel. As we all know, Fishers is not exactly where you go to find cheap. The gentleman, who I shall refer to as Burrito Benito, relayed a story to one of the Hispanic cooks, recalling how he was driving to Texas from Michigan and was pulled over by Indiana's finest. Burrito had no ID, no insurance, and barely spoke English. His car was towed and he was left, lonely and desolate, to fend for himself, a man without a country. Awwwwwww.

This incident made me furious. Some may say, "yeah, the police should have arrested Burrito!" Nope, then he would get 3 squares a day on my taxpayer teet. Some say "Awww, that poor Burrito. You should help him." Nope, if I were in Mexico and left without a car, I'd doubt many down there would trust a gringo they found in the middle of nowhere. Unless it was a busload of mariachis. They would welcome me with open arms as I sang "Feliz Navidad" and showed them that my underwear and shirt were made in Mexico.

No, I believe this immigration issue needs some serious help. Yes, my family were once German immigrants. They came over LEGALLY, they resided LEGALLY, they paid taxes, learned English, got jobs and began to live the American dream. They did not find spots on the East Coast where there were no residents or resistance, sneak ashore, get paying jobs, send money back to family, and teach other members of the family where to go to bypass the system and cheat those who are willing to go thru the legal channels to become American. So don't even try to pull that bleeding-heart "we were immigrants too" crap.

Here is my theory on what we should do about our little problem.

Build the Wall. Much like the opposite of my favorite band, put that damn wall up now. And hey, people always complain about how our jobs are being outsourced as the Burritos flock in. Well, we have a solution. Use the Burritos who take up over 30% of the prison population to build it. Talk about using the resources available. Their experience in landscaping while they planned their violent crimes against American businesses and people will be a priceless commodity. We will then stop hearing about the over-population in prisons because we will not be sending them back to prison. After they are done building and planting the flowers along the wall, we will send them to the other side and remind them of the guard towers with guns pointed right at them every 1/2 mile along the wall. Maybe while they build, we could have the mariachis play. How will we afford to pay the wall guards? Easy, use the money we had earmarked for their incarceration and pay the guards. Like they say in Shawshank, "more walls, more bars and more guards."

Now we come to the ones already taking up residence here. Well, I'd like to say that we should just stick them all back on the other side of the wall with a laurel and hearty handshake, but I don't see that happening. Soooo, I believe these people should be fined, and I don't mean a parking violation, I mean a fine that would make Leona Helmsley wake up and change her will. I'd say we should make it dependant on how long they have been here like a sex chatline, $5000 for the first year and $2500 for each additional year. Millions of dollars given back to the American economy. Family with kids will pay $1500 for each child, no matter where they were born. Businesses who have employed Burritos will be fined for past indiscretions based upon length of employment and will be closed if they continue to employ Burritos who do not begin the AmeriPay plan.

"But Godfather, these fines are extreme. What if Burrito cannot pay???" Well, Burrito can either pay or enjoy the fine amenities of his home country. The American dream is the chance at a future in this nation, a chance to live free or die whenever you want. As Burrito felt the need to bypass the gate to get to the dream, he has given up his freedom, but still has a chance to live here, albeit unpleasantly until the fines are paid, but that is the punishment for skipping the process. Like it or not, it's better than going back to Mexico or Cuba where they were so nice as to finally give common people the right to use cell phones. Free health care and cell phones? What a giving nation.

After the fines are paid and they learn English from the free language schools we will set up with all of the money we waste trying to keep sex and drugs out of pre-schools, they will take a test, the same test everyone else takes to determine if they know some American history. Pass it, and you will be welcome in my country with open arms.

This isn't going to be fun. This is not going to be easy. Lots of businesses will close, mostly authentic Mexican restaurants, and many people will have to find new jobs. Unemployment is a part of a market economy, unpleasant as it is. The American dream is achieved only when you pick yourself up when you are down and fight. Every Burrito in America can be a legal Burrito, filled with American steak and Mexican-American queso.(Salsa optional) Living in America, being an American and living the American dream is a privilege, not a right. It is earned. it is coveted. And it can be attained, but for a Burrito, it will cost you.