Johnny and I Agree on Twitter.

Twitter. I guess I understand why it's there, but I fail to see the need or worth of it.  Celebrities use Twitter to let their fans know what they're up to and to keep fans informed of their exciting lives of binge-drinking, cocaine usage, and recent conquests like being the most-recent celeb who rode Lindsay Lohan at the Viper Room last night.  Regular people use Twitter because, well, I don't know why regular people use Twitter.  I seriously doubt that anything is that important to regular people from a regular person that I would need to let them know immediately. 

I mean, I guess if you're having a child, you could give a play-by-play but is that necessary?
7:43pm- OMG, her water broke!
7:48pm- OMG, shes so mad because I wanna finish my game of Madden b4 goin to hosp.
7:53pm- Paused game at end of 3rd, she xpects me to carry her to car, haha
7:58pm- She finally got in car, wont shut up about her tummy hurting.
8:10pm- At hospital, now I gotta park...like $20, OMG
8:20pm- Gave her some drugs, finally shes quiet.  Wonder who I'll start at RB in 4th quarter.
8:25pm- Doctor keeps telling her to push...she looks at me like this is my fault.
8:30pm- Shes squeezing my Xbox hand too hard.
And so on and so on.  See, this would be something that, even if I wanted to so, I wouldn't do.  It's none of your damn business what I am doing right this second, and thusly, I would hope you would not feel the need to share the same with me. 

With celebrities, well, celebrities are attention whores.  They need to feel important and must fulfill the constant desire for attention, and so they set up these pages so they can share the juicy nuances of their lives with the common serf.  Why?  So they can share themselves all the time.  Wanna know who Lindsay Lohan was groping in the restroom of the Roosevelt Hotel?  She'll probably tweet it!!  Wanna know if Miley Cyrus wads or folds?  She'll probably tweet it!!
I'mAwesomeMiley 10:30pm- Im prairie-dogging bad!
I'mAwesomeMiley 10:35pm- Whew, just made it.  Bad fart.
I'mAwesomeMiley 10:36pm- Here it comes, feels like I'm crapping a microphone.
I'mAwesomeMiley 10:38pm- Its a hanger...may be a few
I'mAwesomeMiley 10:40pm- Splashdown.  Looks corny
I'mAwesomeMiley 10:42pm- Few goat turds.  No corn.  Maybe I should take a pic.
I'mAwesomeMiley 10:45pm- Just finished wadding up TP.
Haha!!! She's a wadder.  Now, the Earth can continue its rotation, you can go to sleep and get thru the next day with the knowledge that everything will be okay, because Miley wads.  That's important.

I'm sure there is some aspect of Twitter that is good and useful, but I have yet to see it.  Anything worth a damn can be emailed instead of sent thru Twitter.  God, even that word "tweet" is annoying.  If someone ever came up to me and said, "Hey, I tweeted your wife this afternoon!" they are gonna get kicked square in the nuts and beaten.  Someone asks me, "Do you tweet?"  My response will most likely include laughter, a middle finger, and the comment "Here's my bird...tweet this, assface!