Godfather's Restaurant Nightmares, Part One

I'm going to start a new feature here....Restaurant Nightmares.  Little stories and phrases from my experiences that I'd like to share and hopefully, none of you will attempt to do or say any of these things.

1.  "I'm not one who normally complains, but..."  Yes you are.  If you ever hear these words, prepare for a lashing.  In every manager job I have had, anyone who prefaces their statements with the above sentence went to the Laquisha Jefferson College of Complaining.  Shortly after this sentence will come a cornucopia of phrases and words that would frighten Sam Kennison.  Once the tirade begins, you have roughly 30 seconds of finger-pointin' and Lord-praisin'.  I usually zone out during this period and think about what I am going to eat for lunch or dinner.  Then, as the customer begins to run out of big words, you slowly begin to lose interest in even standing there and decide to either give them nothing or give them roughly 25% of what they demand.  I usually opt for the former, but sometimes I'll give in, depending on whether I want to argue more or go and make my lunch.

2.  "I work in the customer service industry..."  Well, excuse me Your Highness!  I didn't realize that you held a position in the most sought-after business field second only to ditch-digging (I can say this because I am in this field, kinda like how blacks can use the N-word without repercussions).  People who use this sentence believe that the Wal-mart greeter job is a highly coveted position.  Honestly, if you are in the customer service industry, the last thing you should do is bitch simply because you feel the same way in your job, but outside of your castle, you think that flashing your Deputy Customer Service Officer badge is somehow going to make me think or react differently.  "Oh, you're in customer service???  A thousand pardons, my lady!  I'll go back in the kitchen and re-make your food with our gold-encrusted signature cooking utensils.  Gordon Ramsay is on our speed dial and will be here shortly.  I'll call the home office and have the CEO fly out right now to hand you your items while bowing, standing straight only long enough to place the Crown Jewels on your blessed head!"

3.  "I don't want anything for free, but..."  Yes you do.  That's exactly what you want.  You feel like your soul has been cast down to hell because your burger didn't have the right cheese on it, and other than the immediate disemboweling of the staff member responsible for this, you want justice.  Justice = free stuff.  Whether it be a free dessert or free food on your next visit, you want something for free and feel that telling me you don't want anything will make me feel guilty about the nothing I was going to give you.  "I appreciate you not wanting anything for free, sir, but no that you said hat, let me sign the deed to my house over to you.  We certainly want you to come back, so here is a free food for a year card!  Your server is now your indentured servant...feel free to use them for any random tasks around your home or office."  If you don't want anything for free, then please say nothing.  It will save me time I could have spent thinking about something worthwhile.

4.  "My server was rude!"  Really?  I agree that there are occasions when a server is rude, but I have found that the reasons are almost always caused by the very customer that has complained.  If you had not sent the food you ordered back to the kitchen 3 times because your sensitive and royal taste buds determined that we incorrectly made your item 3 times while every other customer who has eaten the same thing did not notice, then maybe the server would be more pleasant.  Or hey, here's a tip, if your child is screaming like the Sirens and you notice that you can't even hear the server speaking to you 3 feet away from your face, then maybe you could understand why the server and the entire restaurant would be agitated.  Apparently, servers are human beings or so I am hearing.  If you treat someone like a piece of gum on the bottom of your shoe and then expect them to kneel each time they approach your table, you're going to be disappointed.  If a server is taking an order at another table and you yell across the restaurant to get their attention because you want another napkin after already using 6, I'm betting that they along with everyone else between you will think that you, in fact, are the rude one.  Lastly, if a server is carrying a large tray of food to another table and you think this would be a good time to tell them you need a refill but they don't immediately drop the tray and run to get you another Coke, the server is not rude, you are an ass and deserve to wait.

5. "I know what Bud Light tastes like, and this isn't Bud Light."  True story.  Sure, kegs can occasionally get mis-hooked to the wrong line, but honestly, umm, is there such a thing as a Bud Light connoisseur?  And is this something you would want to admit in public?  Sure enough, he was wrong and it was, in fact, Bud Light.  I decided to give him another one poured from the same tap out of the same keg and directly following the one he just said was wrong.  I told him I changed the keg and asked if he noticed a difference.  Hi response: "Oh yeah, that's Bud Light."  Now, if I had not told him I changed the keg, there was a 75% chance he would have sen it back again, but when you tell them that you had a fact-finding commission check the line, determined that the line had been corrupted by Pete Coors himself and that you personally checked the keg, they never say a word.  My other issue is this...do you take pride in knowing exactly what domestically-bottled water and a pinch of alcohol tastes like?

Coming soon..."There's no alcohol in this drink" and "I'm gonna get you fired."