I Think This Pretty Much Says It All...

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And On The 8th Day, Godfather Said, "Let There Be Blogs..."

My wife, brother, and the great John-O came to a conclusion a few days ago. There are certain things that one can only do "once in a lifetime." A trip to Europe, seeing the Sistine Chapel, or visiting Mayan ruins would all qualify. I can add one thing to this list...The Creation Museum. While it was my wife's idea, we all embarked on a quest for knowledge, a quest to seek the truth, a quest to find the way, and a quest to get questions answered. Did we find what we were looking for?

Hell no. God no. Shit no.

No, we found Adam and Eve....and dinosaurs...living together...in Eden. We found incest, floods, confusion, and a firm suspension of logic and reason. Going to the Creation Museum is a lot like walking into a building dedicated to the belief that the Holocaust never happened. While at first you just have to see how people have these beliefs, you quickly realize that they must be out of their damn minds.

Built in 2007, the Creation Museum was designed to showcase a literal translation of the Bible. For simple people, this means that the Book of Genesis is a factual book describing how the Earth was made in 6 days by the Almighty. They believe that the Earth, and all things upon it, were created 6000 years ago. The museum itself is very well designed and beautifully landscaped. I personally believe this was done on purpose so people would enjoy the ambiance and not realize that what they were there to learn about was actually camel dung. (By the way, I got to pet a camel.)

I have so many things that I could tell you about this place, so many interesting factoids that I had to process without bursting out into laughter or blowing a funny fuse. I have some visual aids, and I can only hope that each of you will spend the money and go see this for yourselves one day. Listed below are some of the more interesting things I "learned." First thing to know...Adam eating the forbidden fruit was the basis for all things sinful and bad for you. Adam pretty much gets blamed for everything, I believe he was involved in the 9/11 attacks also.

1. Dinosaurs roamed freely among humans. See, back then it was okay because...wait for it...all animals were vegetarians. It wasn't until Adam sinned that animals had to eat other animals as God had to punish man for his apple-eating ways and the bounty that was Eden was no more. Adam and Eve had it pretty good in Eden, but then that damn Adam had to go and spoil it for everyone (which was only them at the time).

2. You know how fossils have been found beneath tons of debris, right? Well, take this Darwin! These fossils were actually deposited there roughly 4300 years ago by the Great Flood. You know, Noah...the Ark. That means that all dinosaur bones (except for the two of each kind that made it onto Noah's ark), were deposited there only 4000+ years ago. Not the millions that creepy fuzzy science guys like Charles Darwin thought. What the hell was I thinking?

3. Places like the Grand Canyon, areas dug deep into the Earth thousands of feet down, were made by the flood. Giant valleys were dug out of mountains and solid rock during the flood and receding waters from the flood. And this happened in about a year. You heard it. Wanna know how they figured this out? They used the example of Mount St. Helen and its eruption. In just one blast, an entire valley was dug out from the side of a mountain in very little time. So, naturally, water could do the same thing, especially if it's called "The Great Flood." Makes sense right? I quote my wife..."It's a goddamn volcano!! It's spurting molten lava at thousands of degrees!! Of course it's going to carve out a damn valley!!!!" That pretty much sums it up.

4. Noah, around 4350BC, had completed his ark and was loading 2 of every animal to replenish the world of animals after Del Grande Floodito. He had, cows, and chickens, and horses, and giraffes, and yes, he had dinosaurs. Behind the giraffes at the base of the ramp in the pic above are 2 dinosaurs, gleefully getting into the ark because, you know, they're buddies with other animals. The giraffes have the T-Rex family over for dinner, but the nosy moles down the street always have to bring their kids too. Anyway, another important thing I learned at the museum is that most dinosaurs could easily fit on the ark because....drum roll please....most dinosaurs were only the size of an average farm animal. I swear to you. They had signs posted with these words on it. Giant T-Rex with bones the size of my car...in the ark....with chickens. Pretty amazing huh? And and and...it gets better. Noah's sons, all from the same wife and Noah, were extremely different-looking, according to the diarama of them sitting in the ark. That's why people in all the parts of the world look different. Noah's sons populated the globe since everyone else was wiped out thanks to the Great Toilet Flush. Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure kids pop out looking like their parents unless Mom is getting around.

5. The Flood made the continents where they are today. Yup. And since the flood only lasted about a year, I'd say that's pretty damn sweet. You managed to move entire tectonic plates and get them to crash into each other in 1 year with water. If water can make my poop go down a toilet with such grace, then it sure can shift the enitre planet's makeup in a year. Makes sense.

6. No death. Yep, before Adam bit the apple, nobody died. See, that's why everyone was vegetarian. Plants were not considered "alive" by Bible standards, so all could eat them freely and not feel all icky and gross eating protein and digesting things your body needs. Nope, we were all tree-hugging veggie hippies until....that's right. Damn Adam. Since nothing living died, humans and dinos were able to break bread across the table, discuss yesterday's ballgame, share humorous quips they had read in the newspaper, and plan a vacation to the tropics. Because of Adam, I lost my best friend Jimmy Triceratops from across the street because the Whale family next door needed to eat again. So unfair.

7. The pic above is the comparison of Darwin's evolution tree and the Creation orchard. Obviously, Creation is correct because trees aren't alive and an orchard can describe anything, not just trees. Now, I know, it looks like those orchard lines kind of "evolve" up and branch out, much like the evolution tree, but it isn't the same. You know why? Because they said so. Read and enjoy.

8. The museum states that it is still very likely that there are actually dinosaurs still alive and well in undiscovered parts of the world. See, after the Flood, every animal got off the ark on Mount Ararat and spread out, popping out kids here and there and moving on. So, somewhere, on an island far off the coast of South America, there is an island filled with prehistoric beasts, but thankfully they have caged themselves and are safely unable to attack us, should we visit. They built a welcome center and can open doors with their claws. They scare people like Newman who stray too close to their cages. Jesus, this sounds like some kind of a movie plot.

I am going to make this my last point because, honestly, I stood at this sign for 5 minutes with my jaw open as people walked by.



(If you're offended by this point, I suggest you not read further.)

You have got to be out of your goddamn mind. I stood there, motionless, quiet, jaw open, for five minutes reading this over and over again and waiting for Alan Funt to appear and everyone would start clapping and I would be told that this was Candid Camera. Instead, people walked by and smiled at me, and in that creepy religious way (think Children of the Corn). So, basically what they're telling me is that back then, it was okay to screw your sister because the pool was so deep, but now that sisters upon sisters have been screwed by their brothers and fathers after a few thousand years, we're screwed. So, because Adam ate an apple, screwing your sister today can make your kids look like a horned sloth with three asses and a tail. Also, if you want to have sex, you need to marry them first, because screwing your sister isn't right unless there's a ring on her finger. Oh, remember this too...unless you are a creationist and devout to the faith, you can't make fun of people screwing their sisters because you are inherently evil. Never mind the fact that we are all God's children and all descendants of Noah, who spoke to God. Doesn't that make us all a little clairvoyant with the Almighty? No no no, they didn't think that far.

Thank you great great great great great great great great great Grandpa. I'm going to go crawl in bed with my sister and cry. We're married, so it's cool, right?

Book Nerds Unite!

"In a time when gay wizard books/films are on hiatus....we bring you....teen vampires." -Just imagine Don LaFontaine.

So, Twilight did well this weekend, and introverted unpopular teen girls finally had a chance to get out of the house and do something that the cool kids do. Girls who have the social skills of a cadaver came out in droves. Luckily, most were able to bring their Harry Potter scarves and and drool over a trailer for the new "Oim a wizahd, woi won't Rawn ruv moi?" movie. If you haven't heard 80 people in one area all trying to talk over the rest of the people also talking loudly, reaching a pitch that could shatter glass and make dogs howl, then my friend, you just haven't lived. Imagine trying to walk 25 feet and having to pull an Addai every 3 feet to miss a group of Team Edward kids leering at the Team Jacob kids and vice versa. Then the Twilight sweatshirt group, kids in Emo pants and black fingernails who have obviously never heard that "you should not wear the shirt of the band you're going to see" rule, are all sitting in the corner of the lobby plotting how they can find a real vampire to make them children of the night so they can exact their revenge on the cool kids who took over their table in the lunchroom. And the adults? Oh God, they're worse...an intellectual adult conversation about a vampire movie geared for teenagers is about as meaningful and insightful as looking at a pile of dog crap and wondering what kind of breed made the distinctive coil effect.

Regular folks should be okay until July, when ol' Harry rears his ugly head for another round of dealing with your personal demons while dealing with dragons and murders and wondering what old British actor will be the next Humperdink or whatever the old guy's name is. I mean, come on. Isn't Chamber of Secrets really "the closet"? The Sorcerer's Stone...seems a little phallic. Harry's Goblet of Fire???? Pllleease. Prisoner of Azkaban? Sounds like he's trapped somewhere....perhaps A CLOSET! Order of the Phoenix? Well, there's nothing funny about that one, but I bet somewhere in that book, someone grabs Harry's bum. If another book is ever written, I would suggest Harry Potter and the Prop 8 Vote, or Harry Potter and the Move to Massachusetts.

Coming up on the GW Network, Thanksgiving releases and the upcoming strike of the Actor's Guild. $10 million just isn't enough for 3 months of working. Does anyone know how hard it is to act? Not only do you have to memorize words and stuff, but you have to walk ALL THE WAY BACK to your personalized trailer where a personal assistant grants your every command. Then there's getting paid to show up at events, living lavishly, openly sharing your political views and getting out of criminal charges based on your popularity. Must be tough.

Oil: Nature's Urine

Those bastard oil companies!!! They just keep raising and raising the cost of oil making my gasoline more expensive. Now I hear my gas may stay at $4+ a gallon until 2009!?!?!? Oh God, you awful executives!!

I hear it all the time, from the super-biased Nuvo to the Obama-leaning CNN, they all say it. Gas is getting more expensive, and yes that sucks. However, perhaps you should watch where you are pointing that finger in anger. In the end, you may find that the finger is being pointed back at you.

First, let's get this out of the way. To all of you who bought your swanky SUV with 3 TV's, soccer ball storage area, cupholders for Jayden and Hayden, and a space to store the dead hooker you don't want your wife to know about, go to hell. This is what you get...your beloved status symbol is costing you a fortune. Good. If I had the ability to laugh at each one of you as you desperately try to find a way to make your next payment, believe me I would.

I heard one of my beloved customers talk about how expensive gas has been, and while at first I felt her pain, I saw her leave and get into her Cadillac Escalade with gold rims, dark-tinted windows and an unnecessary handicapped tag in her window (unnecessary because she seemed to be walking fine and had no difficulty getting in to a large SUV.)

So, who profits from this gas price? Sure, there are some executives that profit, but if you do a wee bit of investigating, you will find that a majority of stockholders in the evil corporations are regular people like you and me with AmeriTrade accounts and inheritances spread out in the stock market. These people are the ones who stand to gain the most, not the execs as they will make their money no matter how much gas costs. We, the People, are the problem.

I bet you think, hey OPEC is to blame too! They really make the money!!! If it weren't for OPEC, we may be paying $10 a gallon as foreign countries would be able to charge whatever they want for their Texas Tea. So, once again, shut up and stop pointing the finger.

In the end, we are to blame for this. Doesn't it seem weird that over the past 30 years, our population has gone up, the number of cars on our roads have gone up, so gas consumption has gone up and yet we have not built a new oil refinery in those 30 years? Why? Oh yeah, hippies and tree-huggers won't let us drill in Alaska because the Anchorage Buttswallow lives there. Black bears may have to figure out a way to walk under a pipe to take their dumps, and that is just inhumane. Bunnies would have to re-locate possibly 50 feet so they could screw in privacy, out of the way of the dreaded pipe. My God, we truly are a cruel people.

What can we do to help, Godfather? Simple. Build refineries and drill Alaska. Tell the hippies to swallow the sharp pinecone coated in bear blood. Wanna buy an electric car? Fine, go ahead, but included in the contract will be a clause stating that you cannot whine like a little bitch when your electricity bill goes up. Wanna buy a hybrid? Fine, use your E85 ethanol, but when this food crisis gets worse, you will also sign a clause stating that you will shut your mouth and deal with it. Wanna ride a bike? Go right ahead, but when bike-riding deaths increase because hippies are thinking about how much oil their bikechain uses instead of looking at the road, shut up and get them in the ground so they can fertilize more trees.

It's good to be back. Coming soon on this blog..."Obesity: Punishment for the Weak," "Why my X-Box360 is more addictive than crack," and the long-awaited "The Indiana State Fair: You gonna eat the resta that corncob, pun'kin'?"

Global Warming....Wow, Really????

GW Exclusive!!!! Earth is getting warmer!!!!!! Pollution causes it. War causes it. Car emissions cause it. Republicans cause it. Our planet is crying for help. I am so glad that Al Gore and his prize-winning documentary have finally opened my eyes and the eyes of the entire world to this issue. What have I been thinking? I've been smoking and driving a car...I am so to blame. Think of all the styrofoam I just threw away! Oh, oh God, wait! The plastic on my last six-pack!!!! Jesus, I'm killing the planet!!!!

What a load of bullshit.

I have sat back and listened to scientists, Al Gore, Leo DiCaprio, Hollywood, Greenpeace, and every other group of mostly left-wing fear merchants try to scare the world into thinking that this global warming scare is our fault. A polar bear is stuck on an iceberg somewhere and it is because I forgot to separate my newspapers from the plastic bottles. Are you kidding me? Hippies won't let me drill for more oil in Alaska because the Alaskan Inbred Pooping Crane is endangered and the only nest they have is right between Alaska and my gas tank.

Let's talk about some inconvenient truths. The Earth is over 4 billion years old. It has endured plenty in that time, and it has also seen the creation and development of humans, from the most primitive to the most arrogant scaremongers today. Do people honestly believe that we are killing this planet? Let's just take a look at the past, like normal scientists do, and with that I bet I can tell you what is going to happen in the future instead of having a fencepost tell me what I should do to help Mama Earthy.

Let's look back roughly 2-3 billion years ago. Guess what happened, according to geographic and fossilized evidence? Yes, an Ice Age. The Ice Ages covered roughly two-thirds of the Earth in ice. It has happened since then too. At this point in time, ice ages happen every 50,000 to 100,000 years. The last Ice Age happened roughly 11,000 years ago. Facts support this.

So, what happens after an Ice Age? That's right, kids, the Earth begins to warm up slowly. The ice caps melt away, and life grows. This can happen for 100,000 years, possibly more, then guess what? Another Ice Age!!!!

The Industrial Revolution did not cause global warming. Humans, as arrogant as we are about this, did not cause global warming. Are we helping? Probably not, but that does not mean we are the cause and that the cessation of our activities will stop the "bleeding." All that will do is make you feel better and if that is what you need, great. Put your trash in 17 different receptacles, stop smoking, and let me know how that goes. Michael Moore and Al Gore are no different, except for maybe in weight. Each of them make films that take facts and demolish them to fit with an ideal they want, then sew it back up and call it "fact." There are just as many people out there who believe that global warming is not from humans, but they don't make movies because they do not need to. Why? Because, someone who will spend that much money on making a movie, having someone write your book, and going on tour with info that has never been proven is looking for acceptance, not proving a point. Opponents of Goreism don't have to make films because they have facts on their side. And here they are...

1. The Earth is warming up. It began warming up when the last major Ice Age ended, and has been warming ever since. It will continue to warm up, slowly. The ice caps will melt off and, sorry hippies, that polar bear's a goner. It will continue to get warmer until an atmospheric event involving carbon dioxide, sulfur, and other gooey gases not the fault of humans mix at the right temperature, then Earth will go cold. Yup, Ice Age.
2. If humans stop breathing, that will prolong the current climate. Please try.
3. Recycling may be a Band-Aid, but it will not stop the inevitable warming and cooling of the Earth.
4. I could drive an electric car, sure, but why? The money I save on gas would be spent on electricity and then Big Oil would become Big Electric. Big change, not for me.
5. I could recycle my bottles and cans, but did my ancestors? Did cavemen? After their stone-carving tools had worn down, did they just discard it or did they combine it with collections of other rocks that would be crushed down into nothing and then put out into waterways to form into rocks again for their grandkids? Probably discarded. And what happened? Nothing. I'm here, I'm healthy, and the Earth has endured.

Goreist theories and my explanations:
1. Category 4 and 5 hurricanes have increased- Natural climate warming.
2. Ice from Greenland has increased- Natural climate warming.
3. 279 species of animals moving closer to the poles- and yet, humans, the really smart eco-destroying species, move to Florida. Weird.
4. Drought, wildfires, and heat waves will be more frequent. Good. I hate winter. Heat waves? Has anyone noticed how much longer it stays cold then before? Wildfires help remove underbrush. That is Earth's way of making room for new growth. Look it up.
5. Malaria has spread to the Colombian Andes, upwards of 7,000 feet above sea level- Wow, I guess that could be because people come down from the Andes to get food and supplies and get exposed to it, then go back up the mountain. I bet if you check Colombia's stats, they have an increased amount of malaria cases closer to sea level.
6. More than a million species COULD be extinct by 2050- Really? 100s of new species are created in forests and jungles every day. Guess that offsets it. You know, I COULD grow a tail and walk around in circles telling people that Armageddon is coming while dancing to Total Eclipse of the Heart. Lotsa COULDs, not a lotta WILLs.

Al and his cronies are guessing, using "fuzzy math" (all for you, John-O) and Words of Mass Destruction to make a point. Sure, all of the things he said are possible, but it was also possible that Britney and Kevin would stay together. The world is endless in possibilities and creativity. What I wish is that Al and the Boys would say, "We could be wrong." Instead, he dodges questions that refute his testaments, then goes to his mansion that is about as eco-friendly as an oil spill. As for Leo and Hollywood, why don't you stop supporting causes and try to do something on your own, like shut up and entertain me. You are paid to act, not preach.

Actors, help the Earth, club a paparazzo. That should cut down on methane emissions.

(Thank you Photoshop for your fine picture.)