GW's Summer Movie Preview

Here it comes again. Here is the Godfather's preview of what to see, but mostly what not to see this Summer at your local babysitter, I mean, movie theatre.

May 2: Iron Man
Oh Jesus, another comic book movie. I am sure it will be popular, and I am sure it will have great graphics, and I am sure it will be like all the rest of them. Open-ended with room for a sequel.

May 9: Speed Racer
Ahhhh good, Summer isn't complete without Emile Hirsch, John Goodman and Chirstina Ricci, ha ha! The Matrix Boys make a car movie, ha ha! Simpson/Bruckheimer did that too, then one of them died, ha ha! We can only hope for that to avoid Speed Racer 2: Trixie Gives It Up.

May 16: Narnia: Prince Caspian
Super! Christians unite! More talking cats, kids acting like adults, some fighting, and a poignant message: In God We Trust. I can't wait.

May 22: Indiana Jones 4
Here's one I plan to see on general principle. Lucas and Spielberg release their film on a Thursday to gain a little more money, as if it's really needed. Bastards. Harrison Ford dusts off the whip and hat to show that chode Shia how to be Indiana Jones. Luckily, Ford has been saved as Depends Undergarments sponsored the movie. He's got a lot of living to do!

May 30: Sex and the City
Christ, won't these people die? Sarah Jessica Parker and her fellow trolls walk around talking about sex, relationships, and Metamucil. I watched 5 minutes of that horrible show on TV...I do believe, like Ellis Redding, "that was the longest night of my life." 2 hours of women bitching and screwing. Can't wait.

June 6: Kung Fu Panda and You Don't Mess with the Zohan
Is it at all possible to find anything good about these films? Jack Black and Adam Sandler. I hate them. Seriously I do. A plane crash is too good for them. Being pushed off a building covered in razor blades into a pool of salty alcohol would work. Speed Racer says, "Pandas and hairdressers, ha ha!"

June 13: The Happening and The Incredible Hulk
I am going to give M. Night Shamalamadingdong a chance as I am one of the few people who actually liked The Village. Shoulda stuck with Joaquin, but we'll see how Wahlberg does. The Incredible Hulk....umm, wasn't this already done? A CGI Hulk? Yeah, it was already done. And it sucked. I would have liked to be in on the conversation between the studio and the producers....
Prod.: Let's do The Incredible Hulk.
Studio: Wasn't that already done?
Prod.: Yes, but that was Hulk. This is The Incredible Hulk.
Studio: Oh I see. Will it be a live-action Hulk this time?
Prod.: Nope, CGI like last time. But it will be better.
Studio: Oh I see. And will it be a better plot?
Prod.: Nope, basically the same, but we have Edward Norton. He's American.
Studio: Oh I see. Okay, we've got 100 million to blow.

June 20: Get Smart and Love Guru
Steve Carell, why? Just do your thing, and stop trying to be Jim Carrey (The Grinch). Why oh why must we have another remake? As for Love Guru, I am seriously worried about Mike Myers. The Love Guru is Eddie Murphy's Holy Man, but with a white guy. Looks as though someone needed to waste some time between green ogre movies.

June 27: Short Circuit 3, I mean, Wall-E
Something that looks like the spawn of Johnny 5 from Short Circuit and his zany adventures. Sadly, the imaging looks good and I may force myself to watch this. At least the plot looks semi-original.

July 2: Hancock
Will Smith is a bum and a superhero. Ummm, what? Seriously, what????? Oh hell who cares, Will Smith could make a film about how the Iraq War is a good for America while clubbing baby seals and snorting cocaine off the ass of a male prostitute and it would still gross millions. I don't get it.

July 11: Hellboy II
The cat from beauty and the Beast TV show makes another appearance as Tim Curry's Legend character sans the horns. Don't care, don't care, don't care.

July 18: The Dark Knight
One I actually want to see, only because I loved the first one. Christian Bale really stands out as a solid lead, and the stills I've seen of Ledger show how well he will play the role.

July 25: X-Files 2 and Step Brothers
It seems David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson have had trouble getting work. No desire to see it. The show took a boring turn, and I think the truly devoted nerds will see it, but that's it. Step Brothers: Imagine Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly throwing dirt on each other in a sandbox. Now add 30+ years.

August 1: The Mummy 3
No Rachel Weisz. Boo. This is The Mummy in China. Smartass comments and Sake. Chinese emperors weren't mummified. Sooooooo, can we really call this The Mummy? I don't even have anything funny to say about this, it's just plain awful.

So to recap, of the Summer's 18 major releases we have...
Sequels: 6.
Comic book remakes: 4.
TV remakes: 4.

Seriously, why the hell do we have writers? Am I supposed to feel like these people are underpaid? Another Summer of little originality, and millions spent. I swear to God, the first screenwriter I hear who bitches about all the work they do and how little they are appreciated is going to get served with this list and then repeatedly kicked in the nuts.