Customeris Aggravatis

Customer Service - noun - The act of being available to listen and respond to the whining and complaining of customers without the ability to show emotion towards them, or to be able to answer the complaints honestly.

That pretty much sums up customer service. Listening to complaints everyday, many unfounded and trite, certainly takes a strong head, a helpful personality, and a lot of alcohol and drugs. You would be amazed at the things I personally have heard come out of the mouths of people. While I have had my issues with customer service representatives before, I have never yelled at them, never been rude with them, and never treated them like the pile of vomit left in a theatre after Cloverfield. I'm even nice to Ackbar Shinglificat from New Dehli, whom I believe to be the newest employee in Dell's Customer Service Department. I believe his uncle is running the gas station down the street right now.

Anyone can bullshit a customer...it isn't hard and usually involves "I'm sorry for the inconvenience," "I thank you for your input," and "we'll get right on that." Tell them what they want to hear: They are absolutely right. How dare me or my company run things intelligently, we need to immediately correct this problem that this one customer has, no matter if anyone else has any problem with it. And please, we need to make sure that we not pay attention to the hundreds of other customers coming in the door, because they are second-class compared to this current complainer. Never mind the fat kid in the Atari cutoff T-shirt with the mullet in the arcade who jammed pennies into an arcade game and can't figure out why it won't work. Never mind the customer who carries a 44oz. drink around by the lid and then wonders why the floor jumped up and pulled the cup down to the floor and all over their shoes which cost more than my car. Nope, they'll wait...let me attend to your absolutely god-awful small meaningless complaint about how the faucet handles are push-button and require you to push down to get water to come out and are the dirtiest areas in any business.

I propose a new kind of customer service. I propose we create the "Customer Serv-O 5000." It will look like a person, but will be filled with the answers that customers need to hear, not the ones they expect. It will provide the info that should be relayed instead of the breath-wasting answers people have to give today so the customer feels like they are being treated special when in fact they are as special as the fat kid's mullet in the arcade. Let's look at some current answers CSR's have to give and then we will look at the CSO5K's new and improved answer.

Complaint: No toilet paper in 1 restroom stall. (There are 6 stalls total.)
Customer: "Your restrooms are filthy. There is no toilet paper in any of the stalls and I think that's deplorable."
Current Answer: "Well, ma'am, I am sorry about that. We will get it taken care of immediately and thanks for letting us know."
CSO5K Answer: "Ma'am, I am sure there is only 1 stall out and our restroom is much cleaner than your restroom at home with the cracked porcelin and brown seat. You should have just gone to the next stall, wiped yourself instead of drip-drying from the restroom to come up and yell at me, and then let me know that a restroom stall may need some attention. Thank you."

Complaint: Child in acarde jammed pennies into a machine. (Machines are clearly labeled: Tokens Only but also accept quarters.)
Customer: "My boy done put a dollar into that there game and it done took his money."
Current Answer: "Here are 4 tokens. We apologize for the inconvenience."
CSO5K Answer: "Sir, thank for letting me know that grammar and spelling are still areas needed to be addressed in today's schools. Please do not leave your child alone in any public place while you fulfill your nicotine levels outside. We will give you 4 tokens for the dollar your child supposedly lost, but please let your child know that reading is fundamental and should be practiced when possible. Also, in case you have been living under a rock since the Carter Administration, mullets and Atari have long since passed their peaks. A trip to Great Clips may be in order. By the way, they do not accept pennies as payment. Thank you."

Complaint: Ticket prices for admission are too high.
Customer: "I can't believe you get away with charging that much for me to see a movie. This is highway robbery!!"
Current Answer: "We make no money off of ticket prices, it all goes to the studios, but we thank you for your input."
CSO5K Answer: "Sir, the reason they are high is because of you. Everything today is more expensive. You and your kin continue to pay the high prices, so Hollywood knows they can continue to make crap and people will go see it. Actors and production companies see this, then demand more money which raises the cost of production and distribution which equals more out of your pocket. You have no problem going down to your local bar and paying a $5 cover to see Bob and the Buttmonkeys who sound just like Dwight Yoakam's band from Sling Blade, so why complain? If our prices are highway robbery, then I suggest you travel to New York, Chicago and Los Angelese where prices have reached $12 in some areas. I suppose you would call that murder. Enjoy your show."

Complaint: Too many advertisements before the film.
Customer: "I came here to watch a movie, not watch ads for 20 minutes!"
Current Answer: "Sorry about that, ma'am. We have advertisers trying to reach customers and the pre-show is a great way to do that."
NSO5K Answer: "Ma'am, I noticed when you pulled up in your car that you have no problem advertising your political preferences and your favorite "I Brake For..." bumper sticker. I also noticed that you are wearing a "The Office" T-shirt. See, these are all advertisements. They are everywhere. They should be expected at any entertainment venue or anywhere customers may go. You and your '93 Neon are walking billboards for Obama and television networks, but as you don't think about your effect on others, we feel the same way. If someone offered you $10,000 to wear the same T-shirt for 30 days advertising something, would you do it? Most would, which is why we advertise before the presentation. We suggest that you come closer to the start time of the film instead of coming early. It will allow you to not experience the pre-show entertainment and it will prevent your heart from having to take a second shot of butter and fat when you don't need that refill before the movie starts. Thank you."

Reports have shown that customer service departments have been failing on a global scale. They show that people are not satisfied with the customer service they receive. Perhaps, it is not the customer service departments that are the issue, but maybe it is the customers with an over-inflated sense of self that have become the problem. Customer service representatives have to deal with a lot more in today's world, which is why they get a bad reputation. You can have the best CSR's in the world, but it won't change the fact that customers believe they are always right. That's the problem. "The customer is always right" is a bullshit theory created to make customers believe they are going to get what they want. It is out-dated and needs to be shelved. A new phrase could be "The customer has rights," thusly allowing the customer to believe they are entitled to something but keeping their entitlements very vague and allowing more room for the CSR's to maneuver thru the insults and anger while trying to give the customer some sense of winning without actually winning. That's the game as it is today. The customer has the right to voice their complaint in a proper and appropriate way without hurling insults. The customer has the right to receive a response following the rules and procedures set forth by the business. The customer has a right to leave the business and go somewhere else. While not an ideal end to the situation, it is a right that all customers have. The belief that one angry customer means 10 angry customers is a load of shit. One angry customer equals one angry customer, and maybe one obese kid with an Atari cutoff T-shirt and a handful of pennies.

Maybe it's the burn from being in customer service for so long, I don't know. But I do know that CSR's and employees at companies should not have to be treated like shit over nothing. That isn't to say that some CSR's aren't also worthless, but when someone is being civil to you and trying to help, please remove your head from wherever it may be stuck and act like an adult instead of the little kid who didn't get the toy train for Christmas.