The Indiana State Fair is slowly coming to a close and I was able to stop by earlier this week and enjoy the event. Here is what I found to be worthwhile and shortly after, a list of things that make you go, "Huh?".
It was Monday evening. The featured performer was some Sideshow Bob-haircut High School Musical kid, so sufficed to say I did not purchase tickets for that. So, that leaves food, animals, and the midway.
Food- Had a smorgasboard of food I didn't need in a relatively small amount of time. First, the classic footlong. Never gets old...hog anus never tasted so good as when it is deep fried and jabbed with a stick. Second, the rest of my wife's Philly Cheese Steak needed to be eaten, so I polished that off. Not bad, although nothing will ever top the street vendor cheesesteak I had when I visited Philly. Imagine a bowl of heroin. Now, put it on a slightly toasted roll and add cheese. After a mozarella stick from my brother's plate came the turkey leg. Nothing will ever make you feel more like a man than walking around like a caveman with a 3 pound leg covered in smokey goodness with juice running down your face. As I ripped the yummy muscle from the bone, I was taken back to the dawn of man sans the loin cloth. Next, a slice of pizza. Necessary? No, but it's the Fair...what am I supposed to do? Between the three of us, we split an elephant ear and we also tried the Deep Fried Cookie Dough. Damn, that was mighty fine. Surprisingly good.
Animals- Saw the World's Largest Boar and #2. It isn't natural to see a pig with testicles the size of an Audi hanging back there. If I sit slightly awkwardly on mine, it feels like I have just had a transgender surgery. So how is it that this beast can just plop down and not feel those things slapping the ground? Christ, I thought they were going to explode. We also visited the horse barn and while the wife and I explained who Mr. Hands was to my brother, we saw some mighty big horses, many of them Clydesdales. Once again, as you see these steeds of majestic beauty, it is difficult to look at them when they are aroused. It's like you're saying, "Oh honey, look at that beautiful coat! They look so well groomed! And well well, Binky is a boy!" Awkward.
Midway- Like every year, I skip it. Average age of a customer there is about 10, average intelligence is about the same for the rest. Then there's carnies...creepy little men hiding in the shadows eating cabbage and trying to convince me that standing around looking at 12 year old girls is actually "maintaining the equipment." Thank God background checks aren't required to operate throw-up rides...I'd be afraid of what I may discover.
Things Not Needed At The Fair:
1. Deep Fried Bananas Foster Cheesecake- Whether one likes cheesecake or not does not matter. This sounds gross. Warm cheesecake. Sick sick sick.
2. A Subway vendor at the Fair- Funny, there wasn't one person eating there. Hell, the fried veggies vendor had a line, yet Subway did not. Eat that Jared!
3. Tobacco-Free Day. Oh please. The Fair is a place of excess, where you can eat more fried foods in a one-mile area than anywhere on Earth, but you can't smoke afterwards on Monday. Stop smoking, but go ahead and have that extra elephant ear, or fried cheese. Need a cigarette, sir? Sorry, no smoking today, but please go ahead and clog them arteries. Remember, kids, obesity is now a bigger epidemic and a bigger pain on health care than smoking. So, don't smoke, but please feed your 250 lb. 6 year old another corndog. Perhaps they should be ushered to the Subway tent.
4. Zamfeer, master of the panflute, playing that music by the Arts building- Every year, he and a few Indians play those little pipeflutes, and when they're not playing, they're playing a CD of them playing the same songs they were just playing. We were in Key West the week before and they were having a Lobsterfest, and sure enough, there was some Indian selling CDs of the same music, same pipeflutes. It isn't entertaining to me, or anyone else as I rarely see anyone purchase a CD. And by the way, wearing an Indian head dress, tennis shoes, and what looks to be unfinished leather does not make you an Indian, and although this is Indiana, we like a few things: football, farming, and food. Semi-Indian CDs aren't in there.
5. People making announcements on the tractors that take you around the fairgrounds- This isn't Disney World where Goofy Lot A and Lot B look exactly alike and are 8 miles apart. It's the Fair. I am well aware that we are stopping at the Pioneer Village because you have stopped in front of the damn Pioneer Village. Seems pretty self-explanatory. "Natural Resources building stop." Thank you. The large sign right in front of my face clearly showing the DNR building wasn't enough. Just take my money and sit there. If I need anything, I will ask after you finish your fried cheesecake.
Still, it was a good trip and I will go again. And eat more. And complain. And ride the train and appreciate the wonderful directions given to me. And look at hogballs. And horse junk. I should write the theme song for the fair next year.
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