Another Summer of big-budget movies are just around the corner, so I'm here to sort thru all of the "Shia Lebeouf is the next Paul Newman" bullshit and tell you how it is.
May 1- Wolverine, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past & Battle for Terra
So, Hugh Jackman is going to spend 2 hours healing, cutting, healing, cutting, fighting, snarling, and yelling. I'll watch it, but only because Wolverine and Freddy Krueger are kindred spirits, and if you don't watch it, Freddy will string you up by your intestines and use your nuts like a slingshot in your dreams. Battle for Terra? No. No battle, no Terra, no chance. Girlfriends Past...one day, hopefully soon, people will realize that Matthew McConaughey's boyish bumpkin charm only works for so long. I had hoped Fool's Gold would have sealed his fate, but I was wrong.
May 8- Star Trek XI & Next Day Air.
Next Day Air- was originally called African-American Cast Be Stealing Packages And Shit. They then tried FedMuthaFukinEx, but that was a no-go. After UPS (Urban Phreight Swindlers) was scratched, they went with this title. As for Star Trek, I lost interest when the guy from Clockwork Orange was the bad guy like 4 movies ago or so. I'm sure it will do well, but we should really think about getting Spock and Kirk to do a love scene, and calling it Starback Mountain Trek. Imagine it...a Star Trek Convention in San Fransisco! "Eeeeewwww, I love how you curled your Klingon wig! That's super yummy!!!"
May 15- Angels and Demons.
Can't make fun of this one...it actually looks good to me. Thank Jesus they fixed that Tom Hanks hairdo. He looked like Keith Partridge. (For those of you who do not get that reference, please google "Partridge Family Keith" images).
May 21/22- Terminator 4, Dance Flick & Night at the Smithsonian.
I like Christian Bale, but if they make Terminator PG-13 it is gonna suck, I assure you. Rated R, it may not be bad. Dance Flick has the same appeal for me as chugging a Diet Coke after eating 36 Mentos, just make the exploding stomach my eyes being thrust out of my skull. Night at the Smithsonian has Ben Stiller, who should have been ousted from Hollywood when they realized he can only play the neurotic Jew for so long before even the Jews want him dead. That's a statement in itself.
May 29- Drag Me to Hell & Up.
Yes, good idea, release a PG-13 horror film the same weekend as a highly advertised kids film. That should create a spicy mix of evil and nuisance. I am sure that Up will be so real-looking that I will be able to see the individual hairs in Ed Asner's nose, but I'm the kinda guy that would rather just see up Ed Asner's nose. I'm sure he needs the money and would be willing to oblige.
June 5- Hangover & Land of the Lost.
I hate you Will Ferrell. Please start being funny again. You cannot be Frank the Tank in every film.
June 12- Imagine That & Taking of Pelham 123.
Imagine that, Eddie Murphy in yet another PG-rated craptastic comedy. Eddie, buddy, let me give you some advice. Stop it. You are becoming the Samuel Jackson of PG films. Pelham 123, here we go.
1. We need a black guy for a movie.
Is Dave Chappelle out of rehab?
No, a non-funny one.
I'll call Denzel.
2. We need a white guy, not too old, but old enough to make Denzel look younger.
Travolta hasn't worked for awhile.
Perfect.
3. Sopranos is over right?
Yep.
What's Tony Soprano doing?
Counting his millions.
He's old looking, he'd even make Travolta look younger!
I'll call him.
June 19- Year One & The Proposal.
Year One. Dammit, I say this every summer and no one listens. IF YOU STOP GOING TO SEE JACK BLACK'S MOVIES, PEOPLE WILL STOP PAYING HIM TO BE IN THEM AND HE WILL END UP LIKE LINDSAY LOHAN: COKED UP, IN A SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIP AND COMPLETELY WORTHLESS. PLEASE HELP ME IN MY QUEST. The Proposal is a Disney RomCom with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. Perhaps they could try coupling Bea Arthur's corpse and Willem Dafoe. Oh oh, how about Rhea Perlman and Patrick Ewing? Comedy gold!
June 24/26- Transformers 2 & My Sister's Keeper.
Keeper= Alec Baldwin and Cameron Diaz. Why not throw Sean Penn in there and call it an Obama rally? Transformers 2 will do big business, and people will like it, and I will still sit in my old man chair on my porch and, while sipping my Country Time lemonade, tell everyone I see that Shia Lebeouf is talentless, ungifted, and couldn't act his way thru a grade school musical without screwing up. He remains one actor who could only help the world if he were ground up and fed to the world's starving children. I'd rather contract swine flu thru sexual contact with Zuckerman's Famous Pig that give Shia a dollar to buy a hot sandwich.
July 1- Ice Age 3 & Public Enemies.
Ice will do well, even though there is something about Ray Romano's voice that makes me want to go to New Yawk and punch the first person I hear with his accent. Public Enemies...Johnny Depp could do a movie about being a cross-dressing director or a murderous hairstylist or a morbidly obese woman's son and I would watch it........wait. What? He did do those? Dammit, you get the point.
July 10- Bruno.
I laughed at the preview I saw. I think it will be funny, and damn you for judging me. It's not like I watch Tyra or anything on Bravo!
July 15- Harry Potter and the Half-Dressed Tranny.
One day, someone will have to explain to me the allure behind the Harry Potter series. I mean, I get it, he's a wizard, and he likes his friend Ron better than the hot chick, and all of his teachers stare at him longingly until the next time he bends down to grab ahold of their broomstick. But, his parents didn't want him, so why should I? He keeps getting in trouble and drifting off the school property...I find that pretty irresponsible. And how about staying up thru all hours of the night with other boys in the dark talking about swords, potions and how to get a firm grasp on the schoolwork? Seems to me he's not a very good boy, and certainly not one I would like my children to emulate. For shame, JK Rowling.
After Harry, there's a bunch of crap coming out until the last major release, G.I. Joe, in August. I can't imagine that movie being good in any way. By then, supposedly, Obama will have our economy on the fast track, money will be flowing in, and gumdrops will rain from the skies with adorable multi-lingual bears giving free hugs across the globe. So, I would use your money on something other than GI Joe. Like bills, or back mortgage payments, or something else you haven't been able to buy because your taxes skyrocketed. Enjoy.
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