And On The 8th Day, Godfather Said, "Let There Be Blogs..."

My wife, brother, and the great John-O came to a conclusion a few days ago. There are certain things that one can only do "once in a lifetime." A trip to Europe, seeing the Sistine Chapel, or visiting Mayan ruins would all qualify. I can add one thing to this list...The Creation Museum. While it was my wife's idea, we all embarked on a quest for knowledge, a quest to seek the truth, a quest to find the way, and a quest to get questions answered. Did we find what we were looking for?

Hell no. God no. Shit no.

No, we found Adam and Eve....and dinosaurs...living together...in Eden. We found incest, floods, confusion, and a firm suspension of logic and reason. Going to the Creation Museum is a lot like walking into a building dedicated to the belief that the Holocaust never happened. While at first you just have to see how people have these beliefs, you quickly realize that they must be out of their damn minds.

Built in 2007, the Creation Museum was designed to showcase a literal translation of the Bible. For simple people, this means that the Book of Genesis is a factual book describing how the Earth was made in 6 days by the Almighty. They believe that the Earth, and all things upon it, were created 6000 years ago. The museum itself is very well designed and beautifully landscaped. I personally believe this was done on purpose so people would enjoy the ambiance and not realize that what they were there to learn about was actually camel dung. (By the way, I got to pet a camel.)

I have so many things that I could tell you about this place, so many interesting factoids that I had to process without bursting out into laughter or blowing a funny fuse. I have some visual aids, and I can only hope that each of you will spend the money and go see this for yourselves one day. Listed below are some of the more interesting things I "learned." First thing to know...Adam eating the forbidden fruit was the basis for all things sinful and bad for you. Adam pretty much gets blamed for everything, I believe he was involved in the 9/11 attacks also.

1. Dinosaurs roamed freely among humans. See, back then it was okay because...wait for it...all animals were vegetarians. It wasn't until Adam sinned that animals had to eat other animals as God had to punish man for his apple-eating ways and the bounty that was Eden was no more. Adam and Eve had it pretty good in Eden, but then that damn Adam had to go and spoil it for everyone (which was only them at the time).

2. You know how fossils have been found beneath tons of debris, right? Well, take this Darwin! These fossils were actually deposited there roughly 4300 years ago by the Great Flood. You know, Noah...the Ark. That means that all dinosaur bones (except for the two of each kind that made it onto Noah's ark), were deposited there only 4000+ years ago. Not the millions that creepy fuzzy science guys like Charles Darwin thought. What the hell was I thinking?

3. Places like the Grand Canyon, areas dug deep into the Earth thousands of feet down, were made by the flood. Giant valleys were dug out of mountains and solid rock during the flood and receding waters from the flood. And this happened in about a year. You heard it. Wanna know how they figured this out? They used the example of Mount St. Helen and its eruption. In just one blast, an entire valley was dug out from the side of a mountain in very little time. So, naturally, water could do the same thing, especially if it's called "The Great Flood." Makes sense right? I quote my wife..."It's a goddamn volcano!! It's spurting molten lava at thousands of degrees!! Of course it's going to carve out a damn valley!!!!" That pretty much sums it up.

4. Noah, around 4350BC, had completed his ark and was loading 2 of every animal to replenish the world of animals after Del Grande Floodito. He had, cows, and chickens, and horses, and giraffes, and yes, he had dinosaurs. Behind the giraffes at the base of the ramp in the pic above are 2 dinosaurs, gleefully getting into the ark because, you know, they're buddies with other animals. The giraffes have the T-Rex family over for dinner, but the nosy moles down the street always have to bring their kids too. Anyway, another important thing I learned at the museum is that most dinosaurs could easily fit on the ark because....drum roll please....most dinosaurs were only the size of an average farm animal. I swear to you. They had signs posted with these words on it. Giant T-Rex with bones the size of my car...in the ark....with chickens. Pretty amazing huh? And and and...it gets better. Noah's sons, all from the same wife and Noah, were extremely different-looking, according to the diarama of them sitting in the ark. That's why people in all the parts of the world look different. Noah's sons populated the globe since everyone else was wiped out thanks to the Great Toilet Flush. Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure kids pop out looking like their parents unless Mom is getting around.

5. The Flood made the continents where they are today. Yup. And since the flood only lasted about a year, I'd say that's pretty damn sweet. You managed to move entire tectonic plates and get them to crash into each other in 1 year with water. If water can make my poop go down a toilet with such grace, then it sure can shift the enitre planet's makeup in a year. Makes sense.

6. No death. Yep, before Adam bit the apple, nobody died. See, that's why everyone was vegetarian. Plants were not considered "alive" by Bible standards, so all could eat them freely and not feel all icky and gross eating protein and digesting things your body needs. Nope, we were all tree-hugging veggie hippies until....that's right. Damn Adam. Since nothing living died, humans and dinos were able to break bread across the table, discuss yesterday's ballgame, share humorous quips they had read in the newspaper, and plan a vacation to the tropics. Because of Adam, I lost my best friend Jimmy Triceratops from across the street because the Whale family next door needed to eat again. So unfair.

7. The pic above is the comparison of Darwin's evolution tree and the Creation orchard. Obviously, Creation is correct because trees aren't alive and an orchard can describe anything, not just trees. Now, I know, it looks like those orchard lines kind of "evolve" up and branch out, much like the evolution tree, but it isn't the same. You know why? Because they said so. Read and enjoy.

8. The museum states that it is still very likely that there are actually dinosaurs still alive and well in undiscovered parts of the world. See, after the Flood, every animal got off the ark on Mount Ararat and spread out, popping out kids here and there and moving on. So, somewhere, on an island far off the coast of South America, there is an island filled with prehistoric beasts, but thankfully they have caged themselves and are safely unable to attack us, should we visit. They built a welcome center and can open doors with their claws. They scare people like Newman who stray too close to their cages. Jesus, this sounds like some kind of a movie plot.

I am going to make this my last point because, honestly, I stood at this sign for 5 minutes with my jaw open as people walked by.



(If you're offended by this point, I suggest you not read further.)

You have got to be out of your goddamn mind. I stood there, motionless, quiet, jaw open, for five minutes reading this over and over again and waiting for Alan Funt to appear and everyone would start clapping and I would be told that this was Candid Camera. Instead, people walked by and smiled at me, and in that creepy religious way (think Children of the Corn). So, basically what they're telling me is that back then, it was okay to screw your sister because the pool was so deep, but now that sisters upon sisters have been screwed by their brothers and fathers after a few thousand years, we're screwed. So, because Adam ate an apple, screwing your sister today can make your kids look like a horned sloth with three asses and a tail. Also, if you want to have sex, you need to marry them first, because screwing your sister isn't right unless there's a ring on her finger. Oh, remember this too...unless you are a creationist and devout to the faith, you can't make fun of people screwing their sisters because you are inherently evil. Never mind the fact that we are all God's children and all descendants of Noah, who spoke to God. Doesn't that make us all a little clairvoyant with the Almighty? No no no, they didn't think that far.

Thank you great great great great great great great great great Grandpa. I'm going to go crawl in bed with my sister and cry. We're married, so it's cool, right?