The Customer Bill of Non-Rights

All too often, those in the customer service industry have fallen prey to this classic comeback posed to them by a greedy and disrespectful public..."The customer is always right." Well, allow me to tell you a little secret. Closer. Let me whisper it to you....that's bullshit.

Customers are not always right...if they were, no business would stay alive and we would have government-run everything. In fact, I would go so far as to say that customers have a legitimate gripe roughly 2% of the time. The rest of it is a ploy to try to get free goods/services, something for nothing, or just them being plain stupid because it is in their nature to expect a handout. It is because of this statement that I have decided to create Godfather's Customer Bill of Non-Rights, a list of rules that need to apply to those who spend money at businesses and expect the world when they aren't catered to like the Obamas at a barbeque.

Article I: Customers do NOT have the right to use their Bluetooth headsets or cell phones while interacting with customer service employees or in an area like a movie theatre where silence is expected. I know, you are so goddamn important that you just have to take that phone call when you're ordering food or watching a movie. You are so needed that the person who you are already talking down to because they work as a cashier has to wait until you let Tyrell know what you're doing, who you're with, and what you plan on doing later. Seriously, your pithy little phone call can wait 5 minutes so you can order your food and not be a pain in the ass to the CSR and the people waiting behind you. And that flashing blue light on your headset...wanna know what people really think about it? They think you're a douchebag or a douchebaglady, plain and simple. And you are. While we're on the subject, nobody wants to hear your conversation, so take it off the damn speakerphone, and hold the headset to your face. Now shut the hell up and keep it to your damn self.

Article II: Self-service areas in restaurants and theatres are there for you, but you do not need to be a gluttonous pig. Let's look at some examples. Ketchup at fast-food places. You do not need 38 packets, piglet. Take what you need and get your ass back up if you need more. Napkins. I have seen people take piles of napkins that would probably be useful if someone had an open gunshot wound to a major artery, and yet they use like 3 and leave the rest for the serfs to clean up. Might I suggest this. Take 1 for you and 1 for each member of your party. Now piglet, if you need more, get up and get them. Seems simple.

Article III: The butter at movie theatres should not be abused. Let me share a statistic with you...HALF of ONE FLUID OUNCE of buttery goodness has 130 calories, 130 calories from fat, and 14 total fat grams. 1/2 fl.oz. is dispensed in about 1 second, give or take. Now, I see the average customer hold down that dispenser button like their life depended on it for 10-12 seconds. I have seen people hold it for a total of 30 seconds. Piglet, it's buttery topping, not water. It is going to clog what little is left of your open arteries. Please, think about what you're doing and hey, don't let your child get the butter for you. It isn't cute to watch a child pour butter in the bag, on the bag, on themselves, on the counter, on the floor and then let the catchtray fill with it while they look and laugh like they just won a spelling bee. Lastly, you do not need to put a straw in the bag "to get some butter everywhere." Just shake the bag as you're putting it on and it will naturally move around and down. Using a straw is lazy, and it will guarantee that employees will talk about you as you walk away.

Article IV: Coupons have explanations on them. Read them before you speak. Restaurants offer these to the masses to drum up business, but most restaurants find it very annoying when you cannot spend 4 seconds reading the rules of the coupon. "Not valid with any other offer." Okay, dumbass, that means you can't use 2 coupons so don't try. Also, if you are a member of a really ritzy fancy club like the rewards club at a restaurant, chances are you will not be able to get points if you are getting free food with the coupon. Read it, stupid. Same with movies...sure, one side of the coupon says "Good for $5.50 admission (up to 5)," but, now that you've had time to read the big letters, look underneath. See where it says "Not redeemable at box office?" That means, don't take it into box. Try reasoning it out....okay, if I can't use this admission coupon at box office, then I must be able to use it somewhere...perhaps I should read this completely. After a quick perusal, all questions are answered. Try it sometime.

Article V: Customers do not have the right to a refund if they finished their meal or movie.I have been in both and can comfortably say that I have heard so many excuses about why they wanted a refund but had no product left with which to bargain. Coming out after a film is over wanting a refund is exactly like eating your entire meal leaving nothing on your plate and wanting a refund because it didn't taste good. Well, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your meal, piggy, but perhaps you could have proven that to me by not eating the plate and silverware along with the meal. Same with movies...I can tell after 30 minutes whether this movie is going to suck or not, so unless you're a Shia Lebeouf fan and are used to the entire film sucking, get out after 30 minutes.

If you are a customer and are going to put your comments on here about how we should be thankful that you are coming to our business and not speak so harshly about our patrons, please shut down your computer and do not bother. I will delete it off because I don't want to hear it. Try being threatened, harassed, and verbally abused during a recession and see how easy it is to find another job.