The Hybrid Prius....Runs on Acid, Man!!!!!

What the hell is this? I have seen this commercial a dozen times and I have pretended that it is inventive and interesting. It isn't. It's a pedophile's wet dream or the product of an LSD-fueled binder at the Toyota Marketing Seminar. A car so amazing, so genius, so environmental....it creates "Harmony" between man, nature and machine. So, I guess that's why the grass turns into children, trees turn into children, rivers turn into children, etc. Sounds more like a Neverland slumber party.

Remember the days when ads used to make sense? Remember when the Marlboro Man would ride his horse around cattle and then light one up? The ad was simple..."Smoke one...real men do." Simple and easy, but effective. Or how about a classic liquor ad with a hot chick at a bar. You order a Dewars and soda, she sees it and she smiles. "Dewars....drink it and this woman will have sex with you." Done.

With ads today, there has to be meaning to them, there has to be a catchy tune and bright vivid colors to capture the nano-second attention spans of the American consumer. You can't just put a car on the screen and tell us 3 reasons to buy it. Nope, I have to listen to some hippie sing with the Lonely Hearts Club Band about "letting your love flow." I let my love flow by buying a gaz-guzzler. Then others can enjoy the love that I am letting flow out of the exhaust pipe. Convince me to buy your car, and don't tell me that I can buy this shitty remade song on iTunes. Naturally, I have a few ideas for selling these hybrids that I think would be better than listening to the Suzanne Vega/Arsenic cocktail above.

(Commercial starts with a picture of a Prius on a black background.)

1. The 2010 Toyota Prius....it isn't a SmartCar which is good because if you got in an accident in a SmartCar, your ass would be thru the windshield and laying 50 yards away.

2. The 2010 Toyota Prius...buy this car now and in 5 years trade it in for one that runs on poop, truly giving back to the environment.

3. The 2010 Toyota Prius...Sure, it isn't a truck, but if you need that to feel like a real man, then perhaps the problem is in your pants.

4. The 2010 Toyota Prius...even if your wife makes fun of you for driving one, you can always hold your head high knowing that you're making love to Mother Nature everytime you drive. It's like having "another woman."

5. The 2010 Toyota Prius...it's well insulated, so even when people look at you like you're a sissy, they don't know you're listening to Korn at full volume.

And for the ladies...

6. The 2010 Toyota Prius...people already think you drive recklessly since you won't get off the phone, so at least you won't be hurting the environment.

7. The 2010 Toyota Prius...Bi-curious? Mother Nature loves to scissor.

8. The 2010 Toyota Prius...We left plenty of space so you can tell us how great your kid is in school or how quickly you can go from Zero to Bitch. We'll care more since you care about saving the Earth.

Need to appeal to the young driver?

9. The 2010 Toyota Prius...Lots of extra storage spots to keep your Oxycontin and weed.

How about the young urban driver?

10. The 2010 Toyota Prius...$4000 rims will fit on our cars. Lots of trunk space for extra speakers, and our windows are smaller so it costs less to tint them.