When News Breaks, We Report It...Then We Include 75 Articles of Crap as Filler

I've been bad.  I haven't been offending people and insulting others lately, or at least not on this blog.  As it goes, each time I go on my hiatuses (anyone know the plural of hiatus without looking it up? Me either.)  I promise to write more often.  So, I'm really gonna try this time.

I've been flipping thru the exciting world of news website stories this morning and was just amazed at how redundant and dumb the news really is.  That's right...I've brought examples.

"Pakistan Escapes Major Quake Damage"
No shit.  What in the hell could an earthquake in Pakistan damage?  The buildings are made with the same durability one might see in a sandbox or Sauter furniture.  Seriously, what could possibly be damaged in Pakistan that couldn't be fixed in 20 minutes?  Can you even buy steel in Pakistan?  I mean, sure you can import it for weapons and tanks, but would they really allow the people to use it to build buildings?  Hell no.  So, this is not news.  This is just assumed by, well, everyone.  Even Pakistanis.

"U.S.-Mexico Border Fence Climbed in 18 Seconds"
Good, I'm glad we were able to rip out a stopwatch and accurately measure this.  Good productive use of time.  Perhaps maybe we could also have a 40-yard dash event to see if they can outrun the Border Patrol.  You know, I'm expecting to see Mexico do really well in the Track and Field events at the next Olympics.  With all the free training we're offering, the Hurdles and Pole Vault should be easy gold.

"Mom on Facebook as child drowns"
The next line of this should have read, "Mom was taken into custody and there will be a public hanging at the courthouse today around 2pm."  But I'm sure she will receive a light sentence because she was addicted to Facebook and her farm needed watering.  Maybe some counseling will help...after that fails, please hang her and do not allow her to get 3 squares a day on the taxpayer teet.

"Prepping for the Chinese president"
Take shoes off before entering room...Check.
Bow everytime you do anything...Check.
Have chef order rice and dog...Check.
Order giant gong...Check.
Remember that Ming is a dynasty and not the guy from Flash Gordon...Check.

"Big breakfasts won’t help you lose weight, study says"
Yep, apparently breakfast is an important meal, but a breakfast consisting of 71 sausages, 8 pounds of eggs and 15 biscuits is bad.  I'm glad this finally got out....news like this can save lives.

"CNN crew caught in Tunisia tear gas"
Helpful tip of the day...stay out of Tunisia.
 
"'Deliberate' weight gain angers 'Loser' trainer"
1.  This is not news.  2.  She should be thrilled...she wouldn't have a job if everyone were in shape, so this is just like bonus work her her.

"Exercise bikes that get 5 stars"
I didn't know you needed a rating system for a wheel, 2 pedals, handlebars and a seat.  This 5-star bike has a bell and a place to put your baseball cards in the spokes.  This four-star bike over here has a seat that goes from "Hurting the Anus" mode to "Uncomfortable on the Crotch" mode but no bell.  Does a one-star bike have a seat?  Really, we must get these ratings printed up for everyone.

That'll do for now.