Global Warming....Wow, Really????

GW Exclusive!!!! Earth is getting warmer!!!!!! Pollution causes it. War causes it. Car emissions cause it. Republicans cause it. Our planet is crying for help. I am so glad that Al Gore and his prize-winning documentary have finally opened my eyes and the eyes of the entire world to this issue. What have I been thinking? I've been smoking and driving a car...I am so to blame. Think of all the styrofoam I just threw away! Oh, oh God, wait! The plastic on my last six-pack!!!! Jesus, I'm killing the planet!!!!

What a load of bullshit.

I have sat back and listened to scientists, Al Gore, Leo DiCaprio, Hollywood, Greenpeace, and every other group of mostly left-wing fear merchants try to scare the world into thinking that this global warming scare is our fault. A polar bear is stuck on an iceberg somewhere and it is because I forgot to separate my newspapers from the plastic bottles. Are you kidding me? Hippies won't let me drill for more oil in Alaska because the Alaskan Inbred Pooping Crane is endangered and the only nest they have is right between Alaska and my gas tank.

Let's talk about some inconvenient truths. The Earth is over 4 billion years old. It has endured plenty in that time, and it has also seen the creation and development of humans, from the most primitive to the most arrogant scaremongers today. Do people honestly believe that we are killing this planet? Let's just take a look at the past, like normal scientists do, and with that I bet I can tell you what is going to happen in the future instead of having a fencepost tell me what I should do to help Mama Earthy.

Let's look back roughly 2-3 billion years ago. Guess what happened, according to geographic and fossilized evidence? Yes, an Ice Age. The Ice Ages covered roughly two-thirds of the Earth in ice. It has happened since then too. At this point in time, ice ages happen every 50,000 to 100,000 years. The last Ice Age happened roughly 11,000 years ago. Facts support this.

So, what happens after an Ice Age? That's right, kids, the Earth begins to warm up slowly. The ice caps melt away, and life grows. This can happen for 100,000 years, possibly more, then guess what? Another Ice Age!!!!

The Industrial Revolution did not cause global warming. Humans, as arrogant as we are about this, did not cause global warming. Are we helping? Probably not, but that does not mean we are the cause and that the cessation of our activities will stop the "bleeding." All that will do is make you feel better and if that is what you need, great. Put your trash in 17 different receptacles, stop smoking, and let me know how that goes. Michael Moore and Al Gore are no different, except for maybe in weight. Each of them make films that take facts and demolish them to fit with an ideal they want, then sew it back up and call it "fact." There are just as many people out there who believe that global warming is not from humans, but they don't make movies because they do not need to. Why? Because, someone who will spend that much money on making a movie, having someone write your book, and going on tour with info that has never been proven is looking for acceptance, not proving a point. Opponents of Goreism don't have to make films because they have facts on their side. And here they are...

1. The Earth is warming up. It began warming up when the last major Ice Age ended, and has been warming ever since. It will continue to warm up, slowly. The ice caps will melt off and, sorry hippies, that polar bear's a goner. It will continue to get warmer until an atmospheric event involving carbon dioxide, sulfur, and other gooey gases not the fault of humans mix at the right temperature, then Earth will go cold. Yup, Ice Age.
2. If humans stop breathing, that will prolong the current climate. Please try.
3. Recycling may be a Band-Aid, but it will not stop the inevitable warming and cooling of the Earth.
4. I could drive an electric car, sure, but why? The money I save on gas would be spent on electricity and then Big Oil would become Big Electric. Big change, not for me.
5. I could recycle my bottles and cans, but did my ancestors? Did cavemen? After their stone-carving tools had worn down, did they just discard it or did they combine it with collections of other rocks that would be crushed down into nothing and then put out into waterways to form into rocks again for their grandkids? Probably discarded. And what happened? Nothing. I'm here, I'm healthy, and the Earth has endured.

Goreist theories and my explanations:
1. Category 4 and 5 hurricanes have increased- Natural climate warming.
2. Ice from Greenland has increased- Natural climate warming.
3. 279 species of animals moving closer to the poles- and yet, humans, the really smart eco-destroying species, move to Florida. Weird.
4. Drought, wildfires, and heat waves will be more frequent. Good. I hate winter. Heat waves? Has anyone noticed how much longer it stays cold then before? Wildfires help remove underbrush. That is Earth's way of making room for new growth. Look it up.
5. Malaria has spread to the Colombian Andes, upwards of 7,000 feet above sea level- Wow, I guess that could be because people come down from the Andes to get food and supplies and get exposed to it, then go back up the mountain. I bet if you check Colombia's stats, they have an increased amount of malaria cases closer to sea level.
6. More than a million species COULD be extinct by 2050- Really? 100s of new species are created in forests and jungles every day. Guess that offsets it. You know, I COULD grow a tail and walk around in circles telling people that Armageddon is coming while dancing to Total Eclipse of the Heart. Lotsa COULDs, not a lotta WILLs.

Al and his cronies are guessing, using "fuzzy math" (all for you, John-O) and Words of Mass Destruction to make a point. Sure, all of the things he said are possible, but it was also possible that Britney and Kevin would stay together. The world is endless in possibilities and creativity. What I wish is that Al and the Boys would say, "We could be wrong." Instead, he dodges questions that refute his testaments, then goes to his mansion that is about as eco-friendly as an oil spill. As for Leo and Hollywood, why don't you stop supporting causes and try to do something on your own, like shut up and entertain me. You are paid to act, not preach.

Actors, help the Earth, club a paparazzo. That should cut down on methane emissions.

(Thank you Photoshop for your fine picture.)