This Week in Moviedom....

Ebert & Roeper have announced they're quitting after this season.
Ummmm, what? This is news? To hell with Ebert & Roeper. Roger Ebert hasn't picked a good movie in 10 years. Outside of losing some weight and no longer looking like Michael Moore, does anyone really give a damn about him? This gasbag needs to be euthanized. I have more movie sense in my left pinky than his thumb. If the film grossed less than 1 million, it was the greatest film ever. If it had a director who slept with his step-daughter and ate urinal cakes on the set, it was Oscar-worthy. Good riddance, ass. And what about Roeper? Does anyone even know that tool's first name? I seriously have no idea. More to the point...Roeper was a fill-in for a dead guy, all he had to do was blah blah blah cinematography, blah blah blah keen sense of direction, I say thumbs up. That's what he did for years, and now I'm supposed to care about his leaving? TV and newspaper movie critics suck because they don't enjoy the film, they molest it in analysis that a gross majority of filmgoers find boring, dull, and downright comatose.
Speaking of newspaper critics, have you ever read the movie section of your paper and read those "What Did You Think of This Movie?" area where patrons are asked their opinions? Don't you find that 95% of these people should be beaten with reeds? Every now and then (John-O) one comes along and says something worthwhile. Most of them are so far out of whack, I just want to pull a Witness and smother them in a popcorn seed silo. Here's what I see:
Movie: Mamma Mia!
What made you see this?: "Dark Knight was sold out."
What did you think?: "It was hard not to urinate on myself while in a lethargic state after watching them dance around that much, but I guess I've sat thru worse."
Like what?: "Baby Mama."
Describe this film in 1 word: "Underpants."
Favorite movie of all time?: "That one with the guy and the girl and love."
Recent Recommendation: "Superhero Movie."
Rat farts have more ability to sound better than the mindless crap they throw up there. By the way, Bonnie Britton, IndyStar's critic, is god-awful. If you see her, I suggest a shower of sour milk and Junior Mints recently thrown up by a 3 year old whose mother thinks her "baby wants da candy, so dey gonna get da candy."

Dark Knight grosses more than God.
(over the 3 day weekend of course. God's still got a monopoly on Sunday.)
Is anyone really surprised? Good story, good soundtrack, good acting, good action, and Michael Caine. Outside of Jaws 4, he doesn't do many bad films. Too bad for Heath. Oh well, he'll just get replaced by Johnny Depp in the next one. Eat it, Spider-Man 3...you're movie sucks.

A possible Top Gun sequel???
Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. Botched Lasik surgery would be better on my eyes than reading about a Top Gun sequel. I'm sure Tom Cruise will reprise his role as Maverick since, you know, it's the only gig he's gonna get but he'll probably want writing credits. He'll make the story about him being an instructor at Top Gun, but the antics ensue when zany Will Ferrell plays Latino freebird Hector Fuego, the best crop duster in Mexico. Another possibility will be him training some hot chick but nailing her while she's at the school, thusly causing him to kill her, throw her into a volcano, and wait for her to take the form of Admiral Xenu, the highest-ranking inter-planetary pilot who looks surprisingly like L Ron Hubbard. Whatever the plot, it will probably blow, so stay tuned.

George Lucas is going to make all the Star Wars films in 3-D.
Christ, can this self-centered egomaniacal ass just stop? We've all seen the movies. Then we saw them after you added meaningless background crap to them. (ohhhhh, a crowd scene. Thank you Jesus for putting that in!!!) Then we watched the prequels. Now I get to see Mark Hamill's pock marks, Carrie Fisher's creepy cinnamon bun hairdo, and Harrison Ford's plastic blaster COMING RIGHT AT ME!!!! Now, if he makes it with a Billy Dee Williams malt-liquor endorsement and someone punching at the screen saying "Dayam, dat's one good malt liquor baby," then he might have something. Or maybe Wookie porn. Sometimes, it's better to just stop at 1 billion, Mr. Lucas. Please?

Two new sequels in the works: Anchorman 2 and another Scream movie.
Hahahahahaha...you have got to be kidding. Anchorman had like 2 funny scenes and any film with Jack Black is generally going to make me ill, even as a cameo. Scream 4 is it? Hell, I don't know. Chick gets a call, guy kills her, they go to a party, he kills someone, they plot with a dumbass cop and a reporter to find the killer, one of them dies, a major player is held captive, and while the killer is busy rehearsing that stupid voice with a recorder, the other major players saved the captured player and discover the identity of the killer. There you go...Scream 4. Remember, if you don't go to see it, they'll stop making them (in theory).

Coming in August 2009....wait for it.....Rob Zombie's Tyrannosaurus Rex.
"More T-Rex than a T-Rex, more T-Rex than a T-Rex." More Human than Human was a cool song once, but I've ruined it now. A new horror film from the man that brought you a handful of crap films and then a poor remake of a classic. Blood, screams, and bad directing...there's Rob. His next film will be Babe 3: Crypt of Swine. Just when Babe thought it was safe to leave the sty, here comes Farmer Rob. "More piggy than a Pig-E, more piggy than a Pig-E." Can't wait.