Many years ago, I found the holidays to be a great joy, filled with time to see the family, gifts, and friends. Then customer service took over...and soon those pleasant memories became blocked out with the most horrendously stupid things ever uttered by humans. I speak, of course, of the patrons...I have compiled a list of things, just from the past 2 weeks, and the truly scary part of it is that many of these people have spawned. Allow the Godfather to give you a taste of what the holidays mean to me.
Please remember...the titles for films are clearly listed just a few feet away from where these people are speaking.
Yes Man- an easy title to read, say and comprehend. But....
"Can I get 2 for Yeah?"
"I need three tickets for Yes Sir."
"Mmm hmm...2 please."
Bedtime Stories- once again, very straightforward, however...
"I want 2 for Night Stories."
"4 for Night Tales."
Valkyrie- now we're getting difficult to comprehend.
"Can I get 1 for Val Kilmer?"
"4 for Victory."
These are not lies.
Day the Earth Stood Still? Nope, try these...
"The Neo Movie."
"The Day Time Stopped."
"Planet Earth."
About 2 months ago, I had a request for Journey to the Center of the Earth:
"Are you guys playing Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea?"
The most difficult thus far has been Tale of Despereaux. Now, I have never taken French, nor have I been to France, but I can say "despereaux" without turning it into a completely different word just so I can sound like I know what I am saying...listen to these:
"2 for the big-eared mouse."
"4 for Tales of Desperado." (a rural family and Eagles fans, naturally)
"3 for Despot."
"2 for Bordeaux."
Let's cap this off with a real gem...earlier this week I received a phone call and I believe it is safe to say that this is the closest to "Who's on First" you can get without stringing yourself up and ending it all. Yours truly will be represented with "GW" and my beloved patron will be referred to as "YO."
YO: "Hey, yo, when does Friday the 13th come out?"
GW: "Friday the 13th."
YO: "Yeah, when it comin' out?"
GW: "Friday the 13th."
YO: "Yeah, on what date is da movie comin' out?"
GW: "Friday the 13th."
YO: "What you sayin?"
GW: "Sir, your movie, Friday the 13th, comes out on Friday February 13th, 2009."
YO: "So, is it out yet?"
GW: "No. You'll need to wait until February."
YO: "On Friday the 13th?"
GW: "That's right."
YO: "Awww, man. (long pause) You know what time it's gonna be showin'?"
GW: "No."
YO: "Are other theatres going to be showin' it?"
GW: "I'd say so, yes."
YO: "You know what time they gonna be playin' it?"
GW: "No."
YO: "Right on, man." (hangs up)
This is my Happy New Year to you.
7 comments:
So who's on first?
See? As Hollywood movies get dumber the people get stupid..er. Seriously, how do you keep your sanity?
I have no idea how...sometimes I just crawl into a little corner of a theatre and do the ol' Ace Ventura/ Crying game shower scene...it helps me cope. As for who's on first, I'll have to check my inaugural calendar and see. It really hurt my head.
Hammer-man!
First time I read your blog. That is too funny... well, for those us us reading it. I hope things are going well, now that the holidays are over.
Good stuff brother. Been reading your blog for a couple months now, cracks me up. Give me a call sometime.
Your favorite anti-social copper
My brother David had the absolute best movie theater patron quote ever:
"This theater smells like popcorn. What are you going to do about it?"
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