So, the Oscar statue looked a little different this year (see picture above.) I watched it, from beginning to end, and witnessed some truly memorable times. Sit back with your tooth-rotting Mountain Dew, and let me give you some highlights. As usual, the Oscars delivered....to Mumbai.
First, let me say that I have not watched any of the films nominated for any major awards except Dark Knight. You know why? Because no one saw them. For God's sake, the big winner was about Indians (dots not feathers), and it didn't even get released there until late January.
1. Sean Penn beats Mickey Rourke for Best Actor. Penn, in recent years, has done decent films, and while I am sure that his portrayal of Harvey was faaaabulous, he ruined it by pulling out a soapbox and talking to everyone about equal rights for gays. What he doesn't talk about is how his ol' boy Chavez and Raul Castro. Both countries fight happily against any gay organization, and Cuba won't allow any gay organizations to exist in the country. Fidel's regime had an especially nice prison camp filled with gays because they were gay...yep, Sean, way to push that hypocritical belief system you love. Douchebag.
2. Reese Witherspoon's chin is really huge. I mean, dammit, that things sticks out like Tut's beard. I could etch glass with the end of that. CERN in Switzerland could probably use that to smash atoms. Imagine Stan from American Dad, then add long hair. Huge, I tell you, huge.
3. Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Original Song. Really???? I mean, come on, seriously. Did you hear it? There are like 8 words, two of those being "Jai" and "Ho." There are people in India who sit atop giant towers and call out that crap every morning like roosters and this song gets Best Song???? I'm not saying I am Bernie Taupin or Burt Bacharach, but for the love of God, I could write more words than that and set it to someone screaming "Jell O" every 3 seconds and even add in some crazy drums, and I would have a better song than Jai Ho.
4. A Japanese man actually said, "Domo arigato, Mr Roboto." Styx fans had a reason to cheer, and those who can't help but to make fun of those from the Far East had another bit of ammo. Karaoke bars will have a new song to put on the list now too.
5. Hugh Jackman- Good job, Wolverine. I actually thought he did well, except for when he brought up that giraffe, I mean, Anne Hathaway. Feed her a carrot and she'll let you rub her neck.
6. One more thing, not really related to the Oscars. Brand and Angelina were there, in the front row, cameras going back to them every time the speech went too long. Honestly, do you people really give a damn about them? Yes, they are both attractive, yes they both are Hollywood players, but I believe the only people who truly care about them is the press. Wait, I hate the press....oh forget it.
7. Slumdog Millionaire wins everything. I watched 20 minutes of that movie, including the ending credits. It was...forgettable. No, let me re-phrase. I believe that the ending was extremely dumb. This is a movie about an Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire featuring a poor kid who is really smart but shouldn't be because he's poor. He likes this chick and uses the show to get with her, basically. Whatever, the ending credits feature the two lovebirds dancing to that horrible craptastic song "Jai Ho," in a subway terminal. A subway terminal. The best film of the year features a musical number in a subway terminal. The pinnacle of filmdom for 2008 ended in a goddamn subway terminal. Does anyone else see anything really dumb about this? I get it, they're poor slummies, and poor people use subways, but even when touched with Cupid's arrow, nobody dances in a subway terminal. Some people live in them, but generally they are not rejoicing about their choice to live in a terminal. If people are dancing in a subway terminal, it is usually because they have lice, crabs or something infectious that can only be subdued with spirited movement.
8. Why was Miley Cyrus there? I mean it. Why???? An awards show for the best of the best in film. And you invited Miley Cyrus?????? Maybe she sent nude photos to them. Sending Miley to the Oscars is like sending Sean Penn to a GOP rally or Obama to a KKK rally. Just doesn't quite fit.
Another Oscar season ends, and another season of misses...
-Gran Torino gets snubbed. Big mistake AMPAS!
-Dark Knight does not get nominated for Best Picture. The AMPAS does not believe in giving big action films Best Picture nomination. The film grossed almost as much as Obama's European Socialist Act of 2009, and that warrants a couple of sound awards and a Supporting Actor.
1 comment:
"Feed her a carrot and she'll let you rub her neck."
That's a euphemism, right?
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