So, I understand that, from time to time, we all have one of those times (see above). I have subscribed to the theory that everybody does, in fact, poop. And you know what? That's just fine. I support everyone's need to exorcise the brown demons. In saying this, I also support basic etiquette in the field of waste explusion in public toilets.
I'm not talking about people who don't put the seat down or people who feel the need to wrap the seat with 13 layers of paper like that's going to stop some critter from crawling on your cornshoot. No, my issue is more auditory than physical. Let me explain by telling you a little story....or two.
(This story was told to me, so do not think I'm the kind of person who enjoys hanging out near women's public restrooms. I'm mean but I'm not a pervert.)
A woman approaches the public restroom in a grocery store. She's the kind of woman that ingests horrible things and really punishes the bowl when it's time for their exit. Anyway, she goes into the restroom and gets ready to, you know, release. There are 2 other people in the restroom and sadly both of them are able to tell you exactly what's happening. Imagine the noise you would have heard if you were on board the Titanic as it scraped against the iceberg...that dull groan of metal being forced open. Now imagine the Titanic was hit seven or eight times with small breaks between the hits. That's basically what I heard as the story was told to me. But Godfather, what if she had kidney stones or something medically wrong with her? Let me assure you, this was not a medical issue. Just a bowel movement, no medical issues involved. Poopin' and groanin'....that's it.
Now another story of auditory fecal funtime from my own personal experiences. Theme park in Florida. Hot and humid day. I had a lot of water that day so obviously it's gotta come out, so I pony up to the urinal. Mindful not to look to my left or right, the eyes stayed straight ahead on the wall. But the ears were on full alert...apparently someone should have avoided the park food because what I heard sounded like someone was literally trying to pass a Fiat. The noises he was making were almost ghostly, no seriously, like a ghost was in there going "booooooooooooooo" and waving its hands trying to frighten a child. Once again, judging by the splash count, this wasn't a stone giving him fits, but more a cornucopia of solids, liquids and gases which had no problem coming out. At the end of his aria, a loud and apparently necessary sigh of relief reigned in the end of his battle, almost sounding like you would hear a man sitting down in his favorite chair after a long day of work.
Why am I talking about this? Simple. I don't want to hear you taking a dump. When I use a public restroom, I make it a point to not let anyone know what step I am on in the process. I don't have a trumpet to signal the march, I don't have to grab the handicapped rail to brace myself for some type of impact, and I don't feel the need to keep everybody in the loop on "how it's going." Sometimes, the process is unpleasant...it happens. However, sharing the experience is something which is just unsettling, especially when you're in a room of strangers with 1 inch thick partitions between stalls who honestly don't give a damn about your anus. At home, do what you have to do...scream, yell, punch walls, make noises that sound like farm animals giving birth. Extra noises signalling Sherman's march to the sea are better left in the confines of your home. In public, let's use what I'm going to call "silent but deadiquette."
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