I Just Went to Wal-Mart to Buy Tampons...

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I like to think that I am man who is fairly intelligent and reasonable.  Well, that was before I went to Wal-Mart to buy tampons.  My wife was in clear and present danger, even though chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time.  Not one to leave a damsel in distress, I went into life-saving mode and drove to the House Sam Walton Built.  What I found was a wall, and I mean a wall, of choices.  What frightens me is that...it's just cotton on a string.  Simple. Easy.  Cotton.  String.  How can that need to be made better or fun?

First, I have done this before. It has been awhile, but I have made the purchase before.  While yes, it can be awkward, I still do it because that's what I do....but Jesus, the number of choices now would frighten even the most effeminite male.  Let me present these questions to you and see if you can make sense of them.

1.  Why does a tampon need to click?  I asked my wife and God bless her, she tried explaining it, but I just couldn't wrap my head around something close to your ladyparts that clicks and isn't battery-operated.  It doesn't make any sense.  She started telling me about how you're supposed to twist it til it clicks and then insert it, and I ran away screaming.  She explained that it was "compact" which to me means it's for someone with a pencil vagina.  But, apparently compact means it is just smaller without being smaller....still don't get it.  Don't want to.  Still, the fact that there are enough parts in a tampon that makes it click sounds like you're putting a IED up there, and I just don't want to know any more about that.

2.  The normal purchase I have made in the past is the 3-pronged attack box, a few lite, some middle-of-the-road it's almost over tampons and then the fat man and little boy tampons for the big blitzkrieg.  These boxes were easy to pick out...blue box, green, purple and yellow strip and you're at the checkout.  But now, oh now, you not only have the multi-bomber, you also have the 3 Kotex colored ones.  And they fool you...instead of the lite, regular, heavy, they have the reg ,super, and super plus....like it's some kinda goddamn high-octane fuel.  I got scared and began looking around to see if there were any other multi-bombs, and sure enough, Always has their own brand of trident-tampies.  Different colors too.  My mind was beginning to spin but I decided to keep looking as this maze of cottony goodness can't get much worse, right?

3.  EZ Glide.  I don't know what the hell this means.  I mean, shit, you jam it in there and you're done.  What needs to glide?  I really needed an adult at this point.  You're not dancing to Swan Lake while you're trying to block the river, so why the hell do we need to have it glide easily.  You're putting cotton in a moist area....it'll glide as best as it can.  After asking my wife, she confirmed that EZ Glide means it is supposed to go in easy, but this begs the question, why would you buy any other type of tampon if this one glides so easily?  I believe it glides just the damn same as the rest of them.  It's a tampon, not a hammock, it isn't supposed to glide.  Reinforce the dam and go about your business...that's what it does.

4.  Unscented tampons.  Seriously.  Unscented tampons.  What in the hell could you possibly want your vagina to smell like?  It isn't like there's a new car smell option.  I did not notice any fragrant smells emanating from any boxes, so aren't they all unscented?  And if there are scented tampons, do they hold the scent for very long?  I mean, Jesus, you're shutting down the Crimson Tide, and I can't imagine the normal smell of ladytime and spring roses is all that fragrant.  I am trying to wrap my head around how someone would want to put something covered in fragrant chemicals into their bodies, especially a part of the body that already falls prey to yeast monsters.

5.  360 Glide.  I think this means that you can do turns and it won't fall out.  My wife could not answer what that was, which makes me feel better about asking.  Then again, if there is a fear of it falling out, perhaps you should just get a roll of paper towels and a bungee cord and make a do-it-yourself blocker.  If a tampon moves around 360 degrees, I wouldn't think that would feel good, so let's hope it means something else.

6.  "Tampons are not an accessory, they are a necessity."  These poignant words came out of my wife's mouth as I asked her why a tampon needs its own little purse carry-on thing.  If you're carrying around a small zebra-colored bag the size of a tampon while in a bar, guys and other women are gonna know you're carrying around a small zebra-colored bag the size of a tampon because nothing else looks like a small zebra-colored bag the size of a tampon.  We will not assume you have a really small phone or an extremely small purse that couldn't even hold an ID.  I don't know if having your own bag makes it any more discreet, but I guess if that's what you need or if that's the tampon people's way of making periods fun, so be it.  I don't get it.

Sufficed to say, I found the 3-pronged attack box at the very end of the aisle, but after everything I went thru, I felt tired and confused.  There is absolutely no reason one needs to have that many different designs when the basic tried-and-true cotton/string combo is what it boils down to in the end.  After waiting for the nice overnight Indian cashier to finish counting down her drawer at 1215am and while waiting having to listen to the 2 nerds standing behind me talking about Final Fantasy's levels 8 thru 10 AT LENGTH, I was able to rest easy in my car and have a good cry on the ay home.  As I entered my home and re-told my tale of distress and confusion, she laughed uncontrollably at me and simply said, "Thanks honey."  No no no, thank you...thank you for completely blowing my mind and making me stand in the tampon aisle with my mouth open for 5 minutes.