I Can't Find Anything Good to Watch...

I think that I'm fairly mature about things, but the kid in me comes out and reminds me that stupid things still amuse me.  Case in point, I was flipping thru the DirecTV listings the other day and on almost every screen, I ended up giggling like I just saw my first boob on a late-night Showtime movie.  If it wasn't giggling, it was simply reading the show title and wondering, "How does this sound even remotely entertaining?"

For example, and I am not making these shows up:
1. NatGeo Wild's "American Beaver."  I mean, come on.  In today's age, naming a show American Beaver is just awesomely funny.  What was not funny was when I turned it on and saw rodents, I was displeased.  Of course, that's what I expected, but there's always hope.

2. GEM Network's "Estate Jewelry with Sam."  Listen, I'm all for selling shitty jewelry to unsuspecting people at ridiculous prices, but let's look at this.  When one hears "Estate Jewelry," I think high-priced stones, gold, stuff someone would actually want to buy.  But wouldn't you feel better about buying jewelry from someone if you at least heard their last name?  Sam may be a fine guy but god dammit if I'm going to buy expensive jewelry, it should be by someone with their full name.  I want to hold these bastards accountable when I get my Morganoxitalic Zinkide ring and realize it's petrified dogshit on a Little Orphan Annie decoder ring.

3.  NGW's "Pigeon Genius."  It's a show about pigeons.  They're geniuses.  They also randomly poop on anything they want.  A show about pigeons.  Wow.

4.  Travel Channel's "Extreme Restaurants."  I know I've ranted about this before, but "Extreme" is an overused term.  It's stupid.  I could maybe see the bars made out of ice as "Extreme Restaurants," but other than that, they're just places to sit and eat...nothing extreme.  My idea of an Extreme Restaurant:  a fast-food restaurant that serves live blowfish and  live giant squid with wasabi and gunpowder as a seasoning in Kabul, Afghanistan.

5.  Doc Channel's "Puppet."  It's a show about the history of American puppetry.  Seriously.  That's it.  That's how bad it's gotten.

6.  Bio's "Celebrity Ghost Stories."  Yeah.  See, my problem is not that people believe in ghosts.  You can believe what you want to believe.  My problem is that someone thinks because these people are celebrities, their stories are somehow valid and believable.  Please remember, these people are actors...they are paid to do and say what someone else tells them.  And isn't it amazing that so many celebs have witnessed ghost sightings?  What a load of shit.  Who gives a damn what Gina Gershon or Ernie Hudson felt when they walked into whatever.  Hey, I walked into a deep freezer and felt a chill.....a ghostly chill.  See, I want a show too.

7.  PayPerView...hehehe.  "Mom's DDs Get Used."  I added this for Mother's Day.  I also found "Best of Stolen Ex-Wife Dirty Home Videos."  Has it gotten so bad that we need to go into that kind of depth with a porn title?  Just a simple "Ex-Wife Sex Vol 3" would do I think.

8.  Alyssa Milano Uses Wen Hair.  Real title.  If this were 1988, I think that title may have garnered some attention.  But honestly, do you care?  Other than Alyssa if you know her, do you know anyone who cares?

9. "Juice and Lose".....your testicles.  I really figured this was a PSA about steroid use, but it's for a juicer.  When the next show is titled "Improve Prostate Health," I think my idea made more sense.