So, I have a convenience store very close to my place of employment. I like it because, as one may assume, it is convenient...I get my Rockstars, occasional donette gems, smokes, and other assorted necessities at a convenient location between work and the house. However, on certain occasions, convenience is quickly replaced with waiting, and waiting, and waiting because some shitbird needs to get his lottery tickets.
In no way am I saying that one should not play the lottery. It provides added revenue for the state and while the glory of winning an obscene amount of money would be nice, it's probably not gonna happen. Play the lottery, but play responsibly, and don't be a shithead. Here's the story.
In my local store, I walk in and grab my two Taurine-filled cans of punchy carbonated happiness. As I approach the counter, there are four people waiting in front of me. The first two breeze thru in no time, and the third man walks forward. I should have known by his appearance that he has been religiously playing the lottery for years, and bingo halls, and the casino, and anything that will get him money quickly without having to expend any effort whatsoever other than money which he should have damn well been saving instead of spending. He, of course, has four or five $1 scratch-off tickets that were big winners....a whopping $5 in winnings. Christ knows how many he purchased to get such a large payout, but here we are. So, instead of taking the money and investing it in, well, anything other than the lottery, he feels the need to buy five more lucky scraps of paper. Purchase made, one would assume he would get out of the damn way and allow the rest of us (line grew to 5 behind me) to make our convenient purchases and leave. Nope. Instead, shitbird looks behind him and gives us a look like, "Golly, I don' wanna havta wait in dis here line to get my winnins fur these here lotto scratchers." Sure enough, he stood up there, turned around and scratched all 5 of them on the counter. Bastard. Dickhole. I hate you.
God bless the clerk. He was trying to ask the guy to move over but there was no moving him...he was on a mission to secure the grandiose jackpot from these 5 Wonka Golden Tickets, and nothing was going to prevent him from the chance to bask in the warm glow of financial success in these little scratchy gems. As I'm sure you have guessed, he didn't win a damn thing, dropped the potentially billion-dollar scratch-off on the floor and walked out (line to 7 people by now). I mean, seriously, why don't you just find a $5 bill on the ground, rip it into pieces and pee on it? You won...you won the lottery. Sure, it was only $5, but shit, it's better than eating peachpits out of the back of a dumpster in a shitty part of town. Take the $5 and put it towards, I dunno, food? Or something rewarding? Instead, you choose to shove it right up your browneye and roll the dice again. I just don't get it.
I'm fine with you playing the lottery, but God-dammit, why do lottery addicts believe that their purchase of a 1 in 100,000,000 chance for a winning ticket is so detrimental to their well-being that they need to clog a convenience store with pissed off people? Seriously, if you have been playing the lottery for as long as this guy looks like he has, perhaps you should try another avenue of potential financial prosperity. Or here is a small list of things more likely to happen.
Becoming President of the US: 1 in 10 million.
Dying from being left-handed and using right-handed products: 1 in 4.4 million.
Dying in a bathtub: 1 in 840,000 (Sorry Whitney, guess you thought you were 839,999).
In closing, if you must play the lottery, turn in your tickets at the counter, quickly decide which tickets you would like in return instead of cash, and get the hell out of the way. If you don't think this will work out for you, there is an election coming up. Jasper "Lotto" Shitbird for President has a nice ring to it.
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